I Know What They Parodied Last Summer
by sinecure
Summary: Buffy, Xander, WIllow, and Spike are stuck together, forced to read and mock movie scripts.
1. I Know What They Parodied Last Summer (p...

I Know What They Parodied Last Summer  
  
an MST3K of  
  
I Know What You Did Last Summer  
  
by sinecure  
  
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P  
  
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.  
  
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
  
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.  
  
  
  
Spike glared at Buffy, and rubbed his jaw. "What the hell was that for? I didn't do anything."  
  
Buffy shrugged, turning away from the impotent vampire. "Gotta work out my frustrations somehow, and you're the only evil thing around."  
  
Spike rolled his eyes. "Beg to differ, Xander's sitting two feet away from you. Anyone who reads random phrases from spell books out loud has to be at least partially evil." He glared at the boy, who was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.  
  
Willow, sitting beside Xander, glared at Spike. "He didn't do it on purpose." She looked helplessly around the nearly empty room, frowning with all the strength a frustrated witch could frown with. "It's not his fault we're stuck here. It's only his fault that we're here." She smiled at Xander, showing her helpful support. "In this big, empty room, with nothing but a couch, a chair, and four glaringly bright walls staring at us. It's not--"  
  
Xander moaned pitifully, throwing himself backwards. He bounced against the couch cushions a few times before settling in for a good long pouting session. "Guys, come on, I swear I didn't mean for this to happen. Can't we just forgive me and move on?"  
  
"No," Spike retorted, wiping blood from his lip.  
  
Buffy sat on the other side of Xander, sharing a sympathetic look with Willow. "Xander, the only one still blaming you is you. And Spike, but he doesn't count." She tossed the fuming vampire a smug grin.  
  
Resisting the urge to wipe that smug grin forcefully off of her face, Spike threw himself into the lone chair occupying the room. "Enough with the sniveling. How do we get out of here?" He gestured to Willow, "Do something. You're a witch, do a spell. Speak some Latin. Get us the hell out of here."  
  
Willow sighed heavily. "If only it were that easy. I don't know the specific spell Xander used--"  
  
Xander moaned pitifully. Again.  
  
"And even if I did, I couldn't just make up a chant and--poof--we'd be out of here. It doesn't work that way... except in t.v. shows."  
  
"Bloody hell." Glaring at the moron was all that was left to do. They were stuck here. "I'm getting hungry."  
  
A dull green light flashed in front of him briefly, then faded, leaving a mug of steaming... something behind.  
  
"Ok, what was that?" Buffy demanded, jumping over the back of the couch to reach the mug before Spike could grab it. She lifted it to her nose, sniffing it. "Eww. Blood." She shoved it roughly into Spike's hands and turned to the others, hands on her hips. "I think someone knows we're here."  
  
Willow nodded silently, looking around them in a slightly nervous manner. "Um," she practically whispered, then cleared her throat and spoke more loudly, "boy, I sure am hungry. I need a... uh, pizza." She bit her lip when nothing happened. "Or not." Slumping back next to Xander, she shrugged at Buffy. "You try."  
  
Buffy didn't answer, she was too busy staring at a green beam of light behind the couch. "Will..." she motioned to the light, which faded almost as soon as it appeared. A white box sat on the floor. A pizza box.  
  
"Food," Xander mumbled, "that's really going to get us out of here." He stood up, determination etched on his face. "A door to the outside, so we can get out of here would be swell!"  
  
Spike rolled his eyes, sipping at the blood. Shocked when he tasted human blood, he pulled the mug back and stared at it. Noticing Willow's eyes suddenly focused on him, he pretended nothing was wrong, which it wasn't, and downed the blood. It was better than he remembered. Bloody hell, how was he supposed to go back to pig's blood after this?  
  
Xander threw his arms out from his sides. "Gosh, it didn't work. I'm surprised. I--" a beam of the same green light appeared, bigger this time, taking up nearly half the room. It grew so bright, they had to shield their eyes from it. Suddenly, as with the other times, it was gone. "Hey," Xander yelled, "I said I wanted out, not to stay longer!"  
  
They all approached the chairs and table that now occupied the other side of the room. A stack of papers sat neatly on the table, beckoning them closer. Spike, being taller than the rest, and closer to the table, read the top page and cursed. "What the hell is this? A movie script? And a bad movie at that." He spun away from the chairs and threw his empty mug against the wall, watching in fascination as the mug splattered against the wall and landed in a broken mess on the floor.  
  
The others spared him a quick glance, then sat down.  
  
Buffy grabbed the stack of papers, read the top page, and glared at Spike. "Hey, this is a good movie! I happen to like it, thank you very much."  
  
Xander and Willow shared a snicker at Buffy's expense, hiding it from her suddenly suspicious glare.  
  
Willow covered hers with a cough, and a smile. "Um, what's on the next page? Is it the script?"  
  
Buffy shrugged and flipped the title page. "Looks like it. What are we supposed to do with it?"  
  
Xander, seeing something on the wall in front of them, moved cautiously toward it. "Guys..." he ran his hand along the inch long vertical black line that had appeared about six feet up the wall. "What's this?"  
  
"A line?" Spike said, sarcasm dripping from his lips, much like the blood from the wall. He glared at the three of them, hating them more at that moment than he ever had before. Especially the moron. It was his fault they were stuck in this place, no matter what Willow said, and Spike was prepared to repeat that litany with his dying breath. If he had breath. And wasn't already dead. But still.  
  
Buffy and Willow were reading the second page of the script when Xander jumped away from the wall. "It's bigger." He pointed at the line on the wall. "It moved... it just grew. Or something." He was staring at the now three inch line like it was going to jump off the wall and bite him.  
  
Willow frowned at the line, then at the pages on Buffy's lap. She quickly read further, glancing up at the line every few seconds. The further she got down the page, the longer the line became. By the time she reached the end of the page, the line had grown to six inches. She stood up, pointing at the script. "Maybe it's a key," she said excitedly.  
  
Buffy and Xander both had confused looks on their faces, both aimed at Willow. "Huh?" Buffy said, apparently summing up Xander's thoughts with that inane comment, judging by the rapid nodding he was doing.  
  
"She means," Spike said, taking a drag off his newly lit cigarette and snapping his lighter closed with a metalic click, "that the script is the way out of here."  
  
Willow was nodding emphatically. "Exactly. The more I read, the longer the line gets. Maybe it makes a door when it's done." Her excitement was contagious, forcing a grin from Xander, and a cautious smile from Buffy.  
  
"You think?" Xander asked, grabbing the pages and reading quickly through the first one. His excitement ebbed a bit when nothing happened. He read further, his smile slipping more and more the further he got. "Nothing's happening."  
  
"Let me try," Spike sighed, snatching the next page from the stack. He read through it just as quickly as the others had, but nothing happened. "Looks like your theory has flaws," he told Willow, tossing the paper in the air, and watching as it floated, much more gently than he liked, to the ground. "Good thing too, 'cause I think I'd rather be stuck here than read that thing."  
  
"Look!" It was Willow again. "The line moved." They all looked at her like she was crazy. Didn't look any different to them, and since she'd been the only one to see it, they were hesitant to take her word for it. "Not from him reading it, but from the sarcasm." Now they really looked at her like she was nuts. "Really. Watch." She grabbed the next sheet of paper from the pile that was now back on the table. Reading quickly through it, she spotted a typo. "Ah ha! Here we go... um, the line is: 'Now in the spirit of Mother Teresa what will be your comtribution to your community and the world at large?' And, if I'm right, when I say, 'My comtribution to my community would be to teach unfortunate MC's, like yourself, how to pronounce words.' the line should grow..."  
  
All four of them stared at the wall, waiting. Seconds later, the line grew two inches longer. The three teenagers cheered, and hugged each other. "That joke sucked completely," Xander said excitedly, "but damn if it didn't work."  
  
Spike rolled his eyes and sat down, grabbing the script. "Great, let's get to it then, so we can get out of here. And you'd better be right about that thing being the beginnings of a door. Otherwise..." he let the threat hang in the air, grinning when Willow swallowed nervously. Even being leashed in by a chip couldn't dimish Willow's fear of him. Yay.  
  
Buffy, on the other hand, had no such fears. She slapped him in the back of the head and flopped into the chair to one side of him. Xander dropped straight down into the chair farthest from Spike, leaving one seat open, between him and Spike. Willow bit her lip, opened her mouth to ask Xander to move, then shut it again.  
  
Spike watched her with a grin, knowing she didn't want to sit beside him, knowing she wanted to ask Xander to trade places, but also knowing she wouldn't. She was too wishy-washy, non-assertive. She would sit down, primly, and accept her fate stoicly.  
  
And she did.  
  
Spike nearly burst out laughing when she sat almost on the edge of the chair. She had to catch herself to keep from slipping off the soft cloth, and reposition herself more firmly in the chair. Hiding his laughter, he cleared his throat. "Well, let's get to the mocking."  
  
"Won't be easy," Buffy warned them, a slight pout to her voice. "It was a good movie."  
  
"Right," Spike agreed. "Great movie... people getting killed, blood everywhere, sharp pointy hooks used to slash..." he sat up suddenly, a little more attentive. "Hang on, this could be a great movie."  
  
Buffy glared at him. "You haven't even seen it, and you're passing judgement on it? I so don't like you." She sat back, crossing her arms over her chest. "Just start already."  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER  
  
  
EXT. - Camera pan over the ocean and around reapers curve. camera zero's in on a man sitting on top of reapers curve holding a silver medallion that says "I love you".  
  
WILLOW: (clears her throat)  
ALL: (look at her expectantly)  
WILLOW: Oh, sorry... um, I was-- nothing to say here.  
  
The man is drinking. Fireworks are set off, it's the 4th of july.   
  
XANDER: That's a bad combination  
BUFFY: I thought it was a haiku.  
XANDER: I meant the drinking and fireworks. It's just an accident waiting to happen. My Uncle Roary--  
WILLOW: (counting quickly) Hey, it is. A haiku, I mean.  
BUFFY (to Willow) Really? I was kidding.  
SPIKE: (heaves a huge sigh)  
  
EXT. - The croaker parade --- Floats are up and down the street and people are cheering.   
  
XANDER: (as people, flatly) Yay.  
BUFFY: That was pathetic, Xander. We want to get out of here today, not next week.  
XANDER: (defensive) Well excuse me for not always being ready with the bon mots like you, Miss... Witty... Person.  
SPIKE: (snorts derisively)  
WILLOW: (primly) And we're moving on...  
  
INT. The Croaker queen contest.---   
  
MC -   
That's got to be the prettiest girl we've ever had in this competition, I tell you.  
  
BUFFY: (as MC) That hot pink tube top and electric blue short shorts outfit was spectacular, I tell you.  
  
Now let's welcome back our six finalist on stage, come on back out girls. There they are, pretty as can be I tell ya. were proud of you girls. you've worked hard.  
  
SPIKE: (as MC) *Were* proud of you, girls, *were*, but we're not anymore. You've shamed us.  
  
On the balcony. Barry Cox, Julie James and Ray Bronson are cheering on Helen Shiver.   
  
ALL: (flatly) Go, Helen.  
  
Julie -   
Look at her she was born for this.   
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Look at her, look at her. Look I tell you.  
  
Ray -   
I never knew her breasts were so, ample.   
  
SPIKE: Is an 8x10 glossy too much to ask for?  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (stare at him in disgust)  
SPIKE: What? I require visuals to help me envision the characters so that I can be more involved in the story.  
XANDER: (to Spike) Yeah, they never believe me when I say stuff like that either.  
SPIKE: (glares at Xander)  
  
Barry -   
She does these exercises to pump 'em up.   
  
BUFFY/WILLOW: (in Austrian accent) We're going to *pump*... you up!  
SPIKE/XANDER O_O  
  
Julie -   
Guys, I'm on sexist overdrive as it is, kill the commentary.   
  
WILLOW: (makes stabbing motions) Die, commentary, die!  
XANDER: Whoa, calm down there, Will... a few unresolved issues bothering you?  
WILLOW: Uh, no?  
ALL: (nod warily)  
  
Back on stage   
  
BUFFY: Front on chairs. (nods) Japanese philosophy.  
SPIKE: Uh-huh.  
  
MC -   
Now in the spirit of Mother Teresa what will be your comtribution to your community and the world at large?   
  
WILLOW: My com--  
XANDER: (to Willow, chiding) Unh-unh, no repeats.  
WILLOW: Says who?  
ALL: Me!  
WILLOW: (grumbles) Ok. Sheesh. (crosses her arms over her chest)  
  
Helen -   
Well Bob, at summers end I plan to move to New York City  
  
ALL: (as Pace Picante guys) *New York City?!*  
XANDER: Get a rope!  
  
where I will pursue a career as a serious actress,  
  
SPIKE: (as Helen) Here, career, career, career, here, boy.  
  
it's my goal to entertain the world through artistic expression, through art, I shall serve my country.  
  
XANDER: Uh, I've been in the Army--sort of--and I'm pretty sure they don't arm you with art.  
BUFFY: Not even Picasso art? It's pointy.  
  
Back to the balcony   
  
BUFFY: Front to the--  
ALL: Ahem!  
WILLOW: (smugly) No repeats.  
  
Ray -   
Do you believe all this shit?   
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) Nah, as a rule, I don't believe shit, he lies too much.  
  
Barry -   
Work it babe. Their eating it up, look she's incredible.   
  
WILLOW: Typo. 'Their' should be 'they're'. And while I'm at it, doesn't this transcriber believe in periods? He, or she, uses way too many commas to--  
SPIKE: (yawns loudly)  
WILLOW: (meekly) Sorry.  
  
Back to stage   
  
BUFFY: (quickly, before anyone can stop her) Front to wall!  
  
MC -   
And now. this years Croaker Queen is...Miss Helen Shivers   
  
The crowd cheers  
  
ALL: (flatly) Yay.  
  
as the announcers gives Helen her crown and septor.   
  
XANDER: (as helen, waving a mock-septor) All hail me! Bow down, my subjects, bow down.  
  
Barry -   
That's my girlfriend, yeah!!!!   
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) She's never seen me before in her life, yeah! Um, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.  
WILLOW: (as Barry) I'm going to stalk that girl, yeah!  
BUFFY: (stares at Willow expectantly)  
WILLOW: Oh. Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point  
BUFFY: Thank you.  
  
EXT. The streets of SouthPort --- On the street the song My Baby's Got The Strangest Ways is being preformed  
  
XANDER: Preformed songs seem so... preformed.  
  
live by Southern Culture on the skids a hundreds of locals are parting.   
  
SPIKE: Eh? That sentence make sense to anyone else?  
BUFFY: Yes.  
XANDER: Uh-huh.  
WILLOW: Absolutely.  
SPIKE: Liars.  
WILLOW: A hundreds of locals are parting the crowds for, um, Helen to... uh, move through them.  
  
Helen and Julie walk in.   
  
WILLOW: (triumphantly) See?  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)  
  
Helen -   
How's my hair?   
  
XANDER: (as Helen) What's my clothes?  
SPIKE: (as Helen) When's my shoes?  
  
Julie -   
Hurricane proof.   
  
Helen -   
Hey, it's all about the hair don't you forget that. especially when you become some big hot shot laywer those professional women types thinks its all about brains and ability and compleatly ignore the do'.   
  
ALL: O_O  
XANDER: I'm not *even* gonna touch that one.  
WILLOW: So many typos, so little caring.  
  
Julie -   
So the do's vital, got it.   
  
Helens sister Elsa appears.   
  
ALL: Ahh!  
XANDER: Where'd she come from?!  
  
Elsa -   
Hey you riding with me?   
  
BUFFY: 'Hey you'? She doesn't know her sister's name?  
  
Helen -   
No tell mom I'll be home late.   
  
Elsa -   
Ah is little miss Croaker getting sauteed tonight?   
  
Helen -   
Oh a twit with a wit.   
  
Elsa -   
Eat me.   
  
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)  
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.  
  
Max runs up to Julie   
  
XANDER: (as Max) Hi! I didn't actually want anything, I'm just really hyper tonight!  
  
Max -   
Hey Julie, I brought you a shooter on the house.   
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) There's a shooter on the house?!  
XANDER: (as bystander) A shooter's on the house?!  
BUFFY: (as another bystander) There's a shooter on the house?!  
SPIKE: (looks from side to side, when they fall silent) No.  
WILLOW: (grumbles) Party pooper.  
  
Julie -   
Oh thanks Max but I have this mental block, can't get past the slime.   
  
XANDER: Her mental block can't get past the slime? In her brain? I'm confused.  
  
Max -   
How about I take you out  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) Shooter on the house! Run!  
  
before you leave town, you know kind of a bon voyage.   
  
BUFFY: (as Max) My killing you is your bon voyage present... get it?  
XANDER: That's his answer to what to get the girl who has everything.  
  
Julie -   
Ah you know, I don't think so.   
  
Max -   
We've been friends since forever, now you cant just leave without farewell right?   
  
Julie -   
Right.   
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) Wrong... or, um, oops, what was the question again?  
  
Barry and Ray walk up .Barry takes the shooter from Max.   
  
XANDER: The shooter's--  
BUFFY: (to Xander) Move on, Xan, move on.  
  
Barry -   
A toast to us, to our last summer of immature, adolecant decandence.  
  
SPIKE: Adolecant? Must be an American thing...  
WILLOW: Decandence? Is that supposed to be decadence?  
XANDER: Maybe he's saying someone named Adolecant can dance...?  
  
He drinks the shooter   
  
BUFFY: Random sentences! Cool. She sees the shoe.  
WILLOW: He eats the potato.  
XANDER: She taps the pen.  
SPIKE: (sighs, giving in) He hears the wind.  
  
Helen -   
Somebody's buzzed.   
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Um, nobody here. But somebody somewhere is, I'm sure of it... the world is, like, hundreds of miles big.  
SPIKE: (snickers)  
  
Barry (To Max) -   
Yo chumbake, take a hike.   
  
BUFFY: (as Max) But I don't have my hiking boots with me, and I'm wearing birkenstocks... I'd get pebbles in my shoes.  
  
Barry then pushes Max to the ground and a fight breaks out. Ray pulls them apart.   
  
Helen -   
Barry their just friends.  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) Ray and Max are just friends, it's ok, Barry. Ray still loves you.  
WILLOW: Barry is their just friend? Is Helen their bimbo friend?  
BUFFY: Hey! I... kind of like her.  
WILLOW: And Ray's their kindly, but no too bright friend?  
BUFFY: Hey! I like him too. Go easy on him.  
SPIKE: (quietly, to Willow) Uh, pet, it's a typo. Supposed to be 'they're'.  
WILLOW: (quietly, to Spike) I know, but typos bug me, and so I was fixing it in my head. All better now.  
SPIKE: (shakes his head)  
BUFFY: (watching them suspisciously) Back to the movie. (to Xander) Wake up!  
XANDER: (startles awake) Wha--?  
  
Barry -  
Okay Ray just taking care of your girl like I promised.  
  
Ray -  
Thanks, Buddie, now lets blow.  
  
ALL: (blow)  
  
Helen -  
Yeah okay, lets beem down to Dawson's beach. Enjoy a ride?  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) No, I don't intend to enjoy it. I enjoy nothing, I'm the uptight, un-fun friend.  
  
Julie (To Max) -  
Bye.  
  
ALL: Bye!  
  
EXT. Reapers curve --- Driving along the highway, driving very dangerously.   
  
BUFFY: The curve is driving along the highway?  
WILLOW: (nods) Dangerously.  
BUFFY: I hope it doesn't crash.  
  
EXT. SouthPort beach --- The four friends are on the beach.   
  
Ray -   
So the boy and girl are making out right? When they hear over the radio that this lunatic killer's  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) This lunatic killer right here beside me. Say hi, Bob.  
BUFFY: (as Bob) Hi.  
  
escaped from an insane asylum, he gots this long sharp hook for a hand.  
  
SPIKE: (laughing) He gots?  
BUFFY: (to Spike, curiously) And *that's* the part of the sentence you focus on?  
SPIKE: (shrugs) Well, I gots to admit the other part had me enthralled too.  
BUFFY: (groans)  
  
Barry -   
No, you're telling it wrong.   
  
Ray -   
Shut Up! So the girl, she gets all scared right? And the boy, all hot and bothered, he gets pissed and peels out.   
  
SPIKE: (chiding) Shouldn't drive when you're pissed.  
XANDER: Yeah, we don't need any more road rage from you hot and bothered, frustrated, angry teenage boys.  
WILLOW: (to Xander, explaining) Pissed means drunk in England.  
XANDER: Neat. (understanding) Oh. Hehe... (gives a double thumbs up) Don't drink and drive.  
  
Barry -   
No, no, no no. That's not the way it goes, okay the boy goes for help and the girl stays in the car and she hears this scratching sound...  
  
Helen (interupting) -   
It's not a scratching sound, it's a drip, drip, drip.   
  
SPIKE: (snorting) You're a drip, drip, drip.  
  
Barry -   
No. its scartching  
  
ALL: O_O  
WILLOW: It doesn't bother me, it's just a typo. It doesn't bother me.  
  
because the guys been hung from a tree limb and his feet are scratching on the roof of the car.   
  
Helen -   
No, he's been decapitated and it's the blood for his severed neck  
  
XANDER: Blood *for* the guy's severed neck? What, someone's hanging around waiting for this guy to be decapitated so they can replace his blood supply?  
  
that's dripping on the car going drip, drip, drip.   
  
Julie -   
No he wasn't decapitated, he was gutted with a hook. That's the way I heard it.   
  
BUFFY: No, he was drowned, and his body was dragged behind the car.  
WILLOW: You're wrong. He was shot, and his arm was severed by the blast.  
XANDER: Nunh-uh! He was eviscerated, and tied to a tree.  
SPIKE: Wrong. He was bitten and drained, end of story.  
  
Ray -   
You're all wrong, they get back to the girls house and find the lunatics bloody hook in the car door. Now that's the original story, that's the way it really happened.  
  
Barry -   
Hey, hey none of it really happened, it's a bullshit ghost story to begin with .   
  
WILLOW: Look, the period's trying to sneak away from the words.  
  
Ray -   
No it's not,  
  
WILLOW: (frowns) Yes, it is.  
  
it's true.   
  
WILLOW: (smiles) Told ya.  
OTHERS: (stare at her oddly)  
  
Helen -   
Yeah I don't think so Ray   
  
WILLOW: Oh, now Helen doubts it? Just look!  
  
Ray -   
I swear it.  
  
WILLOW: (triumphantly) See? Ray swears it!  
XANDER: Therefore it must be true.  
WILLOW: (nods) Exactly.  
XANDER: (to Willow) Actually, I meant--  
BUFFY: (shakes her head) Forget it, she's too far gone.  
  
Julie -   
Please, it's a fictional story created to warn young girls of the dangers of having premarital sex.  
  
WILLOW: (getting angry) No, it's not. That makes no sense! It's--  
SPIKE: (shakes Willow) Snap out of it!  
WILLOW: O_O  
SPIKE: All better?  
WILLOW: (nods slowly) Got stuck for a second. I'm good now.  
  
Ray -   
Well actually honey, you know how terrified I am of your IQ  
  
SPIKE: (as Ray) That's it. That's all I wanted to say.  
XANDER: Attack of the IQ! Ruuuuuuuuuuuun, it's coming to intellectualize us to death!  
WILLOW: I've had that dream.  
  
but it's an urban legend, american folklore and they all usually originate from some real life incident.  
  
Ray smiles.  
  
WILLOW: Julie sings.  
BUFFY: Helen snores.  
XANDER: Barry burps.  
SPIKE: Max flies.  
  
Some time has passed on the beach and Helen is running around while Barry is laying on the ground.   
  
WILLOW: (as Barry) Running around on me already, huh?  
  
Helen -   
So by that time, I will just be finishing my two year contract on Guiding Light, coinciding with your first year as starting quaterback for the steelers...   
  
Barry -   
Cowboys!   
  
XANDER: Indians!  
WILLOW: Pharoas!  
BUFFY: Pirates!  
SPIKE: Witches!  
WILLOW: (glares at Spike)  
SPIKE: (shrugs) It was all I could think of.  
  
Helen -   
Whatever. Then we can elope in Europe or the Caymans or wherever where I will let you impregnate me  
  
WILLOW: (to Buffy) And you think I plan ahead?  
  
with the first of thrre children,  
  
XANDER: Anya and I aren't gonna have thrre children. We want fvie.  
BUFFY: Really?  
XANDER: No.  
  
before you head off to rehab and then we can live hapily...   
  
WILLOW: She's even planned his drug addiction. Now that's dedication.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) You're not gonna mention the typo at the--  
WILLOW: It no longer exists in my mind.  
  
Another part of the beach. Julie is walking alone on the beach calling out for Ray.  
  
ALL: Ray!  
  
Ray (running behind her) -   
I'm gonna hook you!!   
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) On Phonics!  
  
Julie -   
Hey Ray you don't really believe all that crap do you?   
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) Well, sure, honey. It worked for me!  
  
Ray -   
That's true.   
  
Julie -   
Please, it's really a phallic symbol.   
  
ALL: O_O  
  
Ray -   
Oh really?   
  
WILLOW: That's what I was gonna say.  
BUFFY: I had no idea the Hooked on Phonics people were evil... guess I'll have to take them out. (as an after-thought) And Alex Trebek.  
  
Julie -   
Yeah ultimatly castrated. God I'm gonna miss you.   
  
XANDER/SPIKE: O_O  
WILLOW: Random sentences again? This book's dull. Your hair is brown.  
BUFFY: My foot hurts. The wind is blowing.  
SPIKE: Torture's fun. The moon is full.  
XANDER: Hot dogs are yummy. My printer's broken.  
WILLOW: Re--  
XANDER: No, not really.  
  
They sit down on the sand.   
  
Ray -   
You don't have to, you can always ditch this Boston thing and come to New York with me.   
  
Julie -   
Yeah well we can't all sit in the village coffee house and ramble esoterically on our laptops. There just isn't enough room.   
  
XANDER: So he's a writer?  
BUFFY: Maybe a spy?  
WILLOW: Computer programmer?  
SPIKE: Assassin.  
  
Ray -   
See, no one gets me the way you do.   
  
SPIKE: Back off, man, I don't get you.  
  
Julie -   
I understand your pain   
  
SPIKE: Doubt it.  
  
Ray -   
Precisely.   
  
Julie -   
I hate this. I really hate this. You're gonna go off and fall for some head shaving-black wearing-tattoo covered-body peircing philosophy student.   
  
ALL: Huh?  
WILLOW: (snarls) The hyphens are in the wrong places. She doesn't mean a head shaving-black, or a wearing-tattoo, or a covered-body. She means a head-shaving, black-wearing, tattoo-covered, body-piercing philosophy student!  
SPIKE: Couldn't fix it mentally?  
WILLOW: (sighs) No.  
  
Ray -   
That sounds attractive.   
  
XANDER: No it doesn't.  
BUFFY: Not at all.  
Willow: Nope.  
SPIKE: I'm cool with everything but the shaved head.  
  
Julie -   
And I'll never see you again.   
  
XANDER: Because of his sarcasm? That's harsh.  
  
Ray -   
Hey, did you know the success rate of high school sweetheart realationships is higher than any other type of relationship?   
  
Julie -   
Yeah? Name your source.   
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) Playboy.  
  
Ray then puts his hand on his heart.  
  
BUFFY/WILLOW: Aww.  
  
Julie begins to remove her jacket.  
  
XANDER: (to Willow, explaining) She thinks he's cold.  
  
Ray -   
Are you sure?   
  
Julie nods yes. Music comes up and the two begin to kiss as they lay on the ground.   
  
XANDER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. He holds his hand over his heart, and she takes off her clothes? And here I've been wasting my time with flowers and candy.  
SPIKE: You've been wasting your time with breathing.  
XANDER: Back off, Fangless.  
  
Cut to - Helen and Barry at Barry's car. Barry wan't the keys to his car.  
  
WILLOW: (softly, to herself) All fixed.  
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)  
  
Helen -   
Okay manmeat give me the keys.   
  
BUFFY: Manmeat? All this time I thought his name was Barry...  
  
Barry -   
Who's car is this? Nobody drives my car but me.  
  
XANDER: And yet, he doesn't even know whose car it is.  
  
Helen -   
I know that baby but the Croaker Queen has to get home now.   
  
Helen then grabs the keys from Barry.   
  
Helen -   
Thank you.   
  
Julie and Ray walk up.   
  
Helen -   
Hey you two.   
  
Helen tosses the keys to Ray.   
  
Barry -   
Give me my fuckin' keys.   
  
WILLOW: Such language. Bad, Barry.  
  
Ray -   
You're trashed pal.   
  
Helen -   
Come ride in the back with me, I'll let you do things to me.   
  
SPIKE: Details wouldn't be a bad thing here.  
XANDER: Where were these women when I was in school?  
BUFFY: Being thought up by authors.  
  
Barry (to Ray) -   
Nobody drives my car but me you got that shit smear?   
  
SPIKE: Ray's got a shit smear, and that's keeping Barry from letting him drive his car? I can see how that would put him off. Stains in upholstery are hard to get out.  
WILLOW: Barry's got a trash-mouth. See that, Transcriber? Trash hyphen mouth.  
  
Ray -   
Loud and clear. Get in the car.   
  
INT. Barry's car. --- Ray is driving, Julie is in the passanger seat and Barry and Helen are in the back seat making out. The car shifts and Barry sits up.   
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) You shift like a sissy.  
  
Barry - You can't drive for shit you know that?  
  
SPIKE: (as Ray, confused) I'm not driving for shit. I'm driving for us. To get us places.  
  
Julie (to Barry) -   
Can you say Al-co-hol-ic???  
  
XANDER: Can you say talks like a two year old?  
BUFFY: Question mark, question mark.  
XANDER: Yeah, that.  
  
Sappy music is playing on the radio.   
  
Barry -   
What the hell is this crap?   
  
Barry then puts on some thrash music and climbs out the sunroof  
  
SPIKE: ...gets smacked in the head by a stray branch hanging over the road, goes flying and dies. End of movie.  
BUFFY: Hey, it's not that bad.  
SPIKE: We're doing this to get out of here, not have fun.  
WILLOW: Oh yeah! I forgot about the door-thingie. (looks) It's moving!  
ALL: (check out the now complete line on one side, and the two inches going horizontally from the top)  
XANDER: (excited) Read on, read on! We're almost home free.  
  
while swilling back the booze and screaming. Barry then drops his bottle on Ray and the car starts to slide.   
  
Julie -   
You asshole.   
  
Ray -   
What's wrong with you?   
  
Barry -   
WATCH OUT!!!!!!!   
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) Were seven exclamation points really needed there? You know, they say, if you can't make them feel it with dialogue, then you--  
SPIKE: Suck?  
BUFFY: Something like that.  
  
The car hits something hard and skids off the road.   
  
Helen -   
What was that?   
  
XANDER: (to Helen) Something hard. (to the others) She must have short term memory loss.  
  
Ray -   
I don't know.   
  
XANDER: Him too.  
  
Julie -   
Is everybody okay?   
  
Helen -  
Yeah  
  
ALL: Damn.  
WILLOW: Look, the period got away.  
  
Ray -   
Maybe it was an animal  
  
WILLOW: (frowns) An animal took her period? And yours too?  
SPIKE: I could say something here, but--  
XANDER: (shudders) You won't.  
SPIKE (agrees) I won't.  
Buffy: (rolls her eyes)  
  
Barry comes down through the sunroof.   
  
Helen -   
Oh my god you're bleeding.   
  
Barry wipes the blood of his face.   
  
BUFFY: The blood of his face?  
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Fix it mentally.  
  
Barry -   
It's not mine.  
  
BUFFY: But, isn't it the blood of his face? Therefore, it's his blood... since it's of his face.  
SPIKE: Logic took a pill a long time ago, Slayer, get past it.  
  
Ray -   
It must have been a dog or something.  
  
XANDER: (as Barry) A dog bled on my face?  
WILLOW: Yuck.  
  
Barry (screaming) -  
  
ALL: Ahhhhhh!  
  
Jesus Christ, my fuckin' car.   
  
They all hop out and look at the smashed up car.   
  
Barry -   
Fuck! Can't you see where you're going??   
  
XANDER: (as Ray) After I go to college and ramble esoterically on my laptop, apparently with a bald, leather-wearing tattoed chick, I'm going to get a job at my father's firm and--  
BUFFY: And we're moving on.  
  
Ray -   
Look, it came out of nowhere, I didn't see it.   
  
Julie -   
A dog couldn't have done that.   
  
Barry -   
Yeah well a fucking deer could.   
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) So a fucking deer bled on his face?  
WILLOW: Ew.  
SPIKE: Was it actually fucking at the time, or--  
WILLOW: Louder ew!  
SPIKE: (chuckles)  
  
Ray -   
You dropped your bottle, I was just...   
  
Barry (interupting) -   
My dad is gonna freak on my ass.   
  
SPIKE: (opens his mouth)  
OTHERS: Shut up, Spike!  
  
Helen -   
It was an accident leave him alone.   
  
Julie -   
Where is it? If it was a deer then where is it??   
  
Ray -   
Maybe it ran off.   
  
Helen -   
I hope so, I hope we didn't kill it.   
  
Barry -   
Fuck that. Lets go.   
  
SPIKE: (again opens his mouth)  
BUFFY: Don't even--  
WILLOW: Think about it--  
XANDER: Disgusto Man!  
SPIKE: You guys suck.  
  
Julie sees a mans boot on the side on the road with blood on it.   
  
Julie -   
Oh my god.  
  
XANDER: (as Julie, overly effiminate) Red so clashes with the boot color. What were they thinking?  
SPIKE: You did that a little too well.  
XANDER: Shut up, Fangless.  
  
She runs and picks it up.   
  
Ray -   
No way.   
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) ...did they actually put those two colors together!  
  
Julie -   
Oh my god.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) I can't look at it anymore, Ray, get rid of it.  
  
Helen -   
But I thought...   
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) ...they kind of looked good together. My bad.  
  
Ray -   
I didn't see it.  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) I'll just pretend I didn't see it, put it out of my mind. Mentally erase it.  
SPIKE: Like Red here.  
WILLOW: (to Spike) Don't knock it, Fangless.  
SPIKE: (snarls) Quit calling me that!  
  
Barry -   
No there's no way.   
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) ...they put those two colors together. God, don't they have eyes? That is just... yuck.  
  
Julie -   
Oh my god this isn't happening.   
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) We'll just... pretend we didn't see it. Put the boot down, and back away slowly.  
  
Barry runs and gets some flashlights out of the trunk of the car. They begin looking.   
  
ALL BUT SPIKE: Nooooo!  
SPIKE: Um, I think you guys have beat this horse into the ground and then some. You can stop now.  
  
Barry -   
You check that side.   
  
Ray -   
Yeah.   
  
Barry -   
Come on Helen.   
  
Julie screams in horror,  
  
WILLOW: In horror!  
XANDER: Willow?  
WILLOW: Sorry, I was in the moment.  
BUFFY: (as Julie) There's another boot over here, and it's even worse than the first one!  
  
there is a body laying on the side of the road.   
  
Ray -   
I couldn't see him, I swear.   
  
Helen -   
Is he dead.?   
  
Ray -   
I don't know   
  
Barry -   
Check his pulse.   
  
Ray -   
No way   
  
Barry -   
You're the one who rammed him.   
  
SPIKE: Ray rammed--  
BUFFY: (slugs Spike in the arm) Let's not get NC-17, ok? Keep it clean... mostly.  
  
Julie -   
Just do it.  
  
XANDER: She stole Nike's slogan.  
  
Ray goes towards the body and checks his pulse.   
  
Ray -   
I think he's dead.   
  
Barry -   
SHIT....FUCK!!!   
  
ALL: @_@  
  
Helen -   
Who is he?   
  
BUFFY: My guess is a dead guy.  
WILLOW: (nods) With badly coordinated boot coloring.  
SPIKE: (groans miserably)  
  
Ray - I can't tell, his face is all messed up.   
  
SPIKE: (as Ray) Due to his being dead and all.  
WILLOW: And rammed by a car.  
XANDER: Which was speeding down the highway.  
BUFFY: That about covers it.  
  
Barry -   
What the hell was he doing out here?   
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Playing dead as an April Fool's Day joke. But alas, life imitates art.  
WILLOW: An April Fool's Day joke isn't art.  
BUFFY: Also, they're not alive, they're characters thought up by authors.  
XANDER: (not at all fazed) Technicalities.  
  
Julie -   
We've got to call the police and get an ambulance out here.   
  
Barry -   
Hey hey what's your hurry? The guys dead.  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry, cajolingly) Why don't we have some fun first, huh? Dress him up, and--  
XANDER: (to Spike) You're a very disturbing person, Spike.  
BUFFY: (to Xander, correcting him) Not a person.  
XANDER: Vampire. Whatever.  
SPIKE: Eat me  
WILLOW: (clears her throat) Moving on...  
  
Julie -   
You're not a doctor you don't make that descison.   
  
WILLOW: (as Barry) Am so! Do too!  
  
Barry -   
Use your brain Julie, we call the police and were fucked.   
  
XANDER: 'We call'... leads me to believe that's a present tense thing happening there, but then the 'were' comes in and makes me think past tense. I'm confused. Were they, or were they not fucked by the police?  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (shocked) Xander!  
SPIKE: (laughing, chiding) Language!  
  
Julie -   
It was an accident.   
  
Ray -   
Look, lets think about this a minute.   
  
ALL: (silent for a minute, then...)  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Ow, my brain hurts.  
BUFFY: (as Helen) What was the question?  
XANDER: (as Ray) Who are you people?  
SPIKE: (as Barry) I need another drink.  
  
Julie -   
Think about what? Think about what?  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Think about what? Think about what? Um, what were we talking about?  
WILLOW: Dead bodies.  
XANDER: (as Julie) Oh, right. (ahem) Think about what? Think about what?  
  
He was crossing the road in the middle of the night okay it was an accident, you weren't drinking or speeding.   
  
BUFFY: This transcriber isn't big on punctuation, is he?  
WILLOW: (grits her teeth, mutters) Not noticing, not noticing.  
SPIKE: (laughs)  
BUFFY: (looks at Willow oddly)  
  
Ray -   
There's liquor all over the car.  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Let's lick it up! Yay.  
  
Julie -   
But you're sober.   
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Which is why I want to lick up the liquor! Yay.  
  
Ray -   
They will never believe I was driving.   
  
Barry -   
It's my car, they'll nail my ass.   
  
SPIKE: That hurts. I sat on one once, had a hell of a time gettin' it out... (notices them looking at him) What?  
ALL: Too much info.  
  
Helen -   
That's not true.   
  
Barry -   
Are you kidding? Look at me, I'm drunk as shit, I'm fucked.  
  
WILLOW: Really likes those words, doesn't he? I think it's the extent of his vocabulary.  
BUFFY: He also knows some sarcastic comments.  
XANDER: And-- (stops and thinks) wait, no, that's it.  
  
Helen -   
So we'll call the police, just tell them the truth, they'll believe us.   
  
BUFFY: Yes, 'cause the police are so very smart.  
  
Ray -   
It's manslaughter. We're gonna fry no matter who takes the fall.   
  
Barry -   
Then we leave right now.   
  
Julie -   
No way are you crazy?   
  
Ray -   
The grills busted, there's blood everywhere.   
  
Barry -   
We can clean it up, come on.   
  
WILLOW: Don't these people watch t.v., or movies, or read books? You can't erase evidence. Odds are, they'll get caught.  
XANDER: (soothingly) Good thing it's not real then, huh?  
  
Julie -   
Listen to yourselves,  
  
ALL: (listen attentively)  
BUFFY: I don't hear anything.  
WILLOW: Nothing here.  
SPIKE: Just three heartbeats on my end.  
XANDER: Does that get annoying?  
SPIKE: Yours does.  
XANDER: (laughs facetiously)  
  
NO we are going to the police.   
  
BUFFY: Yes I won't swim.  
WILLOW: No the computer is on.  
XANDER: Yes he won't do it.  
SPIKE: No I will participate in this stupid game! (growls at himself)  
  
Barry (still screaming) -  
  
ALL: ...AHHHHHH!  
  
We don't have time for your shit, you understand? we've got to move fast.  
  
SPIKE: They don't have time for Ray's shit, but they overlooked his shit smear?  
  
Ray -   
Hey, now lets try to stay calm. Focus.   
  
WILLOW: (shrugs) I tried, didn't work. Time to panic! Ahhhhh!  
SPIKE: (covers his ears) Extra special hearing, remember?  
WILLOW: Oops, sorry.  
  
Julie -   
Don't you get it? If there's some of him on the car, there's some of the car on him, their gonna trace it back to you, you're looking at a hit and run.   
  
XANDER: There's bits of 'him' on the car? Can I just say, 'Ew!'?  
WILLOW: You just did.  
XANDER: (grins) Cool.  
  
Barry -   
Then we dump the body.   
  
Julie -   
You've lost it.   
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) The body? No, it's right here. Bleeding on my face, I think.  
  
Helen -   
Like just pretend we were never here.   
  
WILLOW: Like, who's she talking to?  
  
Barry -   
We could drag him into the water and dump him in, they wouldn't find the fucker for weeks by that time all the evidence would be washed away.  
  
WILLOW: Run-on sentences rarely please anyone.  
BUFFY: (leans past Spike to Willow) Who you talking to, Will?  
WILLOW: Mr. Transcriber.  
BUFFY: (straightens up with a nod) Ah, got ya.  
  
Ray -   
If they found him at all... The currents are strong, the undertow could carry him out to sea.   
  
Julie -   
I won't be any part of it.   
  
Ray -   
Look I'm scared Julie, I'm not like the rest of you, I don't have the family or the money to get me out of this. Please.   
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Please, honey? I'm just asking you to help me dump a body, and cover up a murder. That's not too much to ask, is it?  
BUFFY: (quietly) This is disturbingly similar to what Faith did.  
WILLOW: Well, yeah, but, um-- that's all I've got actually.  
SPIKE: (confused) Who's Faith?  
  
Barry -   
This is your future Julie, think about it, college, your schloarship.  
  
XANDER: I know I'm not the smartest guy on the block--  
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter) You can say that again.  
XANDER: (glares at Spike) But! Even I know there's such a thing as a Spell Checker on almost every word processor out there.  
BUFFY: Like you're so spell-checky? And besides, how do you know Julie's not going for her schloarship? It could happen.  
  
  
The guy's already dead, if we go to the police we're dead too.   
  
WILLOW: (scoffs) I don't think the police will kill you. Unless you resist arrest.  
SPIKE: Or the cop is from L.A.  
WILLOW: Exactly.  
  
A truck starts coming down the road towards them.   
  
BUFFY: Then, oddly enough, it stops coming down the road towards them.  
XANDER: Then it starts coming down the road towards them.  
WILLOW: Then it stops coming down the road towards them.  
BUFFY: Then is starts--  
SPIKE: We get it! Stop already!  
WILLOW: (grinning) Us? Or the truck?  
BUFFY/XANDER: (snicker)  
SPIKE: (vamps out and growls at Willow)  
WILLOW: (shrinks back) Us! Ok!  
  
Barry -   
Fuck.  
  
BUFFY: Barry's sort of got a one track mind, doesn't he? (As Helen) Not now, honey, we've got company.  
WILLOW: (as Helen) And a dead body.  
BUFFY: Right.  
  
Helen -   
What do we do?   
  
Barry (to Ray) -   
Help me.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) We help you? That's your brilliant plan? All hail Barry and his masterful plan to not get caught!  
  
Barry and Ray pick up the body and carry him over to the other side of the guardrail.   
  
Helen -   
Shit, they're slowing down. Who is it?  
  
Julie -   
It's Max.   
  
Barry -   
Get rid of him.   
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) I'm not gonna kill Max. You're the killer, you do it!  
XANDER: (as Barry) I'm not the killer, Ray is. He won't do it, he hates everything.  
SPIKE: Huh?  
WILLOW: Pop culture.  
BUFFY: Life cereal.  
XANDER: Mikey.  
SPIKE: (nods, though he obviously doesn't get it)   
  
Max stops the truck.   
  
Max -   
Julie? What you got car trouble?   
  
Max and Julie look over to the guardrail where Barry is pretedning he is vomiting.  
  
SPIKE: I'm all the time pretedning to do things.  
XANDER: Me too.  
BUFFY: Me too.  
WILLOW: Grr.  
  
Julie -   
Actually, it's barry, he's had way too much to drink and were trying to keep the up-chuck out of the new car.  
  
XANDER: Past tenses mixed with present tenses again... I can't keep up.  
  
Max looks back at the smashed up car.   
  
Max -   
Doesn't look so new anymore   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well, you know cars do lose some of their value as soon as they're driven off the lot... oh, you mean that big dent and broken thing?  
  
Julie -   
Yeah, don't drink and drive.  
  
SPIKE: I said that way back before all this mess started.  
XANDER: You know they can't hear you, right?  
SPIKE: Shut up, Xander.  
  
Max -   
Daddy's gonna be mad.   
  
Ray comes over to the truck.   
  
Ray -   
What can I do for you Max?   
  
SPIKE: (as Max) Well, I've got this ache down on my--  
WILLOW: Remember how we weren't being NC-17? We're still not.  
SPIKE: You lot are no fun.  
  
Max -   
You can wipe that "my shit don't stink grin off your face".   
  
WILLOW: (primly) I believe that would be a my-shit-don't-stink grin.  
BUFFY: Willow!  
WILLOW: (shrugs)  
  
Ray -   
Okay Max, will do. Have a goodnight.  
  
XANDER: (as Max) I don't want to have a goodnight. I want to have a good night.  
  
Max -   
You almost got that rich boy act down Ray.   
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Ok, here, let me try again. (imitating Mr. Howell) Lovey, be a dear and throw another bag of money on the fire, would you? (normal voice) How's that?  
BUFFY: (as Max) much better!  
  
Ray -   
We'll be seeing you Max.   
  
SPIKE: Yeah. Get out.  
WILLOW: Skedaddle.  
BUFFY: Leave.  
Xander: Go on, get.  
  
Max -   
Yup. Take care Julie.   
  
WILLOW (explodes... not literally) That's it! I can't take it anymore! You always, always, *always* use a comma before a person's name when you're addressing them! Always!  
OTHERS: (shrink away from Willow)  
BUFFY: (mutters) Uptight much?  
  
Max drives away.   
  
EXT. Down at the docks. --- Barrys car is arriving,  
  
XANDER: These rich kids have everything. Someone to bring the car around for them to load the body into... wish I had that.  
  
they get out and open the trunk and Barry and Ray start dragging the body down to the water.  
  
BUFFY: Looks like they've already done the loading, and have moved on to the unloading.  
  
Barry -   
Even if his body washes ashore in the next couple of weeks, he'll be eaten by crabs and small fish. Maybe we'll get lucky with a shark. Take him to the side.  
  
WILLOW: (confused) A shark will take him to the side?  
BUFFY: (nods) Yep, and tell him he has something oogie on his face.  
WILLOW: Ah.  
  
they start to lower him on to the side of the wharf.   
  
XANDER: (as Captain Picard) Warp ten, Mr. Worf! (pauses... waits...) Engage.  
BUFFY: (as Worf) I can't, Captain, I have a body attached to my side.  
WILLOW: (giggles)  
  
Barry -   
Put him down.   
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) Now pick him back up again.  
  
Ray -   
Easy, that's it.   
  
Barry -   
Lets do it.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) Barry, we're dumping a body, we can't have sex right now. Pervert.  
  
Julie -   
Wait.   
  
Ray -   
What?   
  
Julie -   
Should we check his wallet and see who he is?   
  
Barry -   
Why?   
  
Julie -   
I don't know okay, just to know.   
  
Helen -   
I don't want to know.   
  
Barry -   
Let's just pretend he's some escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand and we're doing everybody a favor. Ray help me.   
  
Ray -   
I don't think I can Barry.   
  
Barry -   
Shit, we agreed  
  
SPIKE: Oh, see, Shit must be Ray's nickname. Now everything makes... not a lot more sense than it did before. (shrugs)  
  
Julie -   
God, come on Barry it's not too late.   
  
Barry (screaming) -   
You, shut up just shut up.  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Meanie! (pouts)  
  
Helen (wanting to get it over with) -   
Christ already I'll do it.   
  
Helen and Barry start to move the body towards the water when all of the sudden the man wakes up and grabs Helens crown, they all scream and push him in the water.  
  
BUFFY: (as all) Eek! You get in the water you bad, bad, dead man who's still alive.  
WILLOW: Wait, why'd they do that? He's alive--or he was before they pushed him in the water--they weren't in trouble anymore. Now they really have committed murder, I don't--  
BUFFY: Panicked, I guess. I don't know, I wasn't there.  
  
Helen (Hystrical) -   
  
XANDER: At least she's not hysterical. That could get ugly.  
  
My crown, he's got my crown.  
  
SPIKE: (as Helen) My crown... it's so pretty and shiny... all gone now.  
  
Barry jumps in the water after the crown and swims to the bottom where the man has landed with the crown in his hand.  
  
BUFFY: (as man) *My* crown, *all* mine.  
  
Barry reaches for it and as his hands touches the crown the mans eyes pop open and Barry beats the crown away from him while screaming his head off and swims back to the top leaving the man underwater.   
  
ALL: O_O  
BUFFY: (in a tiny, frightened voice) I thought the sentence was never going to end.  
WILLOW: (proudly) I re-wrote it in my head. Wanna hear it?  
ALL: No!  
  
Ray -   
Over here.   
  
Barry slams the crown to Helen and walks towards the car.   
  
Ray -   
Let's get out of here.   
  
Barry -   
We're going home now and never, ever, under any circumstances known to God speak about this again is that clear? It is now mearly a futural therapy bill agreed?  
  
BUFFY: (laughing) Mearly a...  
WILLOW: (giggling) Futural therapy bill...  
XANDER: (laughing) Hooked on Phonics worked for him!  
SPIKE: (fake laughing) Hehe... funny...  
  
Barry (Screaming) -   
Helen??   
  
SPIKE: Hey, man, she's standing right next to you, you don't have to scream.  
  
Helen -   
I'll never mention it again.   
  
Barry -   
We make a pact, right here and now we take this to our grave.   
  
Ray -   
Agreed.   
  
Barry -   
Julie?   
  
Julie nods her head in agreement.   
  
Barry (livid) -   
Don't you nod your head you fuckin say it.   
  
XANDER: (as Julie) ...it.  
  
Julie (somber) -   
Yeah okay.  
  
XANDER: Why's she so somber? You'd think killing someone--twice--and hiding their body was a downer or something.  
SPIKE: It can be quite fun actually.  
XANDER: I'm very afraid of you right now.  
SPIKE: (chuckles maliciously)  
  
Barry runs and grabs Julie by the neck pushing her against the car.   
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) Kiss me, baby.  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Like, ew, you're all sewer water-y.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) They didn't dump the guy in the sewer.  
WILLOW: I know, but it sounds better than, 'you're all wet'.  
  
Barry -   
We take this to our grave, let me hear it.  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) But you just said we take it to our grave.  
  
Ray -   
Let her go Barry.   
  
Barry -   
you fucking say it!   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie, sighs in exasperation) All right, fine. 'Let her go, Barry!' Happy?  
XANDER: (as Barry) Yes.  
  
Julie -   
Okay Barry, we take this to the grave.   
  
Barry gets in the car wet and furious.  
  
SPIKE: (confused) The car's name is Wet and Furious?  
WILLOW: No, *he* is wet and furious.  
  
Ray (to Julie) -   
It will be okay.  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) It will be okay. I am a robot.  
  
Julie begins to cry. And they all get in the car and leave. Camera pans in on the ground where a silver medallion that says "I love you" is laying.  
  
XANDER: (in horror) Ack! Foreshadowing!  
WILLOW: Time for a break. My butt's sore.  
SPIKE: (sneering) I could rub it and--  
BUFFY: ...die.  
XANDER: (clapping his hands together) Break time!  
  
  
A/N: End chapter one. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________ 


	2. I Know What They Parodied Last Summer (p...

I Know What They Parodied Last Summer  
  
an MST3K of  
  
I Know What You Did Last Summer  
  
by sinecure  
  
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P  
  
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.  
  
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
  
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Thefour of them stood up, stretching and walking around the room. The pizza box was still on the floor, so Xander grabbed it and took a seat in the middle of the couch. Willow and Buffy sat on either side of him, grabbing a piece each.  
  
"Cold, just like I like it," Xander said just before taking a huge bite.  
  
"Mine's warm." Willow bit into her slice with a happy smile, making Spike roll his eyes.  
  
Why did they always have to be so damn happy all the time? Was a little occasional misery too much to ask for? Having already eaten, and not in the mood for human food, he went to examine the mark on the wall. It was about the same size as it was when they last checked it, maybe a little longer. A smidgen.  
  
"Oh, hey, my piece is hot. Made to order. Cool," Buffy said, then raised her voice slightly, "A nice cold beverage would be... uh, nice."  
  
Low and behold, the green light came and went, leaving behind a pitcher of water and four glasses. Willow poured them all a glass, even bringing one to Spike. How sweet.  
  
When she neared him, he glared at her until she set the glass down on the table in front of the chairs and went back to the others. They sat there, eating and chattering, for a good twenty minutes. When he could stand it no longer, he sat in the chair and snarled at them.  
  
They sighed and joined him in the chairs, setting the glasses on the table in front of him. They took the same seats as before, none of them making the move to start again. They pretty much all stared at the script with resignation, but didn't move.  
  
"No time like the present," Willow muttered, taking a sip of her water.  
  
"Damn straight," Spike agreed, lighting a cigarette.  
  
Buffy sighed and grabbed the remainder of the script. "Wimps."  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
ONE YEAR LATER  
  
  
EXT. Julies college. --- Students are running around on campus.  
  
WILLOW: Ah, the infamous Julies College. I applied there.  
BUFFY: Get in?  
XANDER: Of course she did. Every college in the world said yes to her.  
SPIKE: (impressed) Yeah?  
WILLOW: (nods) Yeah. Except of course the phony Julies College that I just made up.  
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Duh.  
  
INT. Julies dormroom. --- Julies roommate Deb walks in.   
  
Deb -   
Yo, it's time to go.   
  
Julie turns around from her computer revealing that the last year has sure taken its toll on her.  
  
XANDER: The toll was a dollar seventy-five a day. And she looked it.  
  
Deb -   
Come on, move your tired ugly ass girl we're late.   
  
XANDER: ...for our put-down class. Let's go, you sleazy chum-eater.  
  
Julie -   
I changed my mind, I'm not going.   
  
Deb -   
Julie, get your white as death, chalky corpse in the car now.   
  
BUFFY: With friends like Deb, who needs vampires?  
SPIKE: Ahem.  
WILLOW: She didn't mean you, Spike, she meant evil ones. Well, ones that can still hurt humans... um...  
SPIKE: (glaring at Willow)  
BUFFY/XANDER: (laughing)  
WILLOW: (miserably) Sorry.  
  
Pause.  
  
XANDER: Halt.  
WILLOW: Hesitate.  
BUFFY: Rest.  
SPIKE: Stop. Please.  
  
Deb -   
I said come on. Julie you're going home for the summer and you're going to get a tan on that pasty pale tail of yours.   
  
They both giggle.   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's funny when we ridicule and make fun of me.  
  
Deb -   
Let's go.  
  
BUFFY: (as Deb) ...ridicule and make fun of other people. Yay.  
  
EXT. - Julies house - Deb is pulling the car into the driveway. Julie takes her bag from the backseat.  
  
Deb -   
Remember, sun and fun.  
  
SPIKE: (as Deb) ...is deadly for vampires, so stay to the shadows and you'll be fine.  
  
Julie -   
Yeah.   
  
Deb drives off leaving Julie home,  
  
XANDER: (laughing) What is she? A dog?  
  
where she doesn't want to be.   
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Take me back to the pound. Arf.  
  
Mrs. James -   
Julie? Welcome home dear.   
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Who's dear? Because, I know that if you were calling me dear you would have put a comma before the word dear, but you didn't, so who the heck is dear? Huh? Who is it?  
SPIKE: (to Willow) You've got some serious issues.  
WILLOW: Do not.  
  
Julie turns around to see her mother who she hasn't seen since last summer.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Geez, Mom, you got old. You've got this wrinkle-thing going on with your eyes.  
  
Mrs. James -   
I missed you.   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) How nice for you. Here's my laundry, and um, I want dinner at six exactly. Don't be late, gotta go. Ciao!  
  
INT. - Julies Kitchen - Julie and her mother are eating.  
  
Mrs. James -   
How's the snapper?   
  
XANDER: (as Mrs. James) How's that young whipper snapper doing?  
  
Julie just fakes a smile.  
  
Mrs. James -   
I really wanted monkfish but it's been a bad season.   
  
WILLOW: (as Mrs. James) The monks never hold still long enough for us to catch them. Rude, huh?  
  
Julie sits stonefaced.  
  
BUFFY: Bet that hurts.  
  
Mrs- James -   
Are you on drugs?  
  
Julie is surprised by the question.  
  
Julie -   
What?  
  
Mrs. James -   
I just wanted to surprise you, I want an honest reaction.   
  
Julie -   
No. No mom no drugs.   
  
BUFFY: (as Mrs. James) Damn, I wanted to borrow some, now I'm gonna have to make a trip to my dealer. Some daughter you are! Can't even supply your own mother with drugs... you tea-totalling freak!  
SPIKE: (drops his cigarette to the floor and steps on it) There something you want to tell us, Slayer?  
BUFFY: (confused) Huh?  
SPIKE: Nothing.  
  
Mrs. James -   
Well than what is wrong? I mean you look like death.   
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) I am death. Wanna play chess with me?  
XANDER: She's a whiz.  
  
Julie -   
Yeah well I've had a rough year.   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Rough years make me look dead.  
  
Julies mom clears the table and Julie gets up and walks towards the living room looking at old awards and pictures of her father. Julies mother walks in.   
  
SPIKE: (leans over to Willow) The 'Julies' typos not bothering you?  
WILLOW: (tightly) No!  
SPIKE: (chuckles to himself)  
  
Mrs. James -   
You got some mail,  
  
XANDER: (as Mrs. James) ...um, your Playgirl magazine came. I borrowed it... I'll, um, return it tomorrow, 'kay?  
  
a letter came today, not your report card though, that came last week.  
  
Julie -   
Mom I know it looks bad but the summer session went really well.   
  
Mrs. James -   
Well it would have to because acording to the dean you only have one more chance.   
  
WILLOW: (as Mrs. James) ...to get into mime school. After that, it's sayonara 'stuck in a box' and goodbye 'being blown by the wind'.  
  
Julie -   
It's not that serious really.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) But, if I don't get into mime school, I'll just die! All the other kids are doing it. I'll be an outcast, shunned. (sobs)  
  
Mrs. James -   
What happened to my daughter? I mean you went away and you don't call and you don't visit.   
  
Mrs. James begins to walk out of the room.   
  
Mrs. James -   
Your father must be turning over in his grave.   
  
XANDER: (quietly) Wow. Harsh.  
BUFFY: (stares at her hands) Yeah.  
  
Julie begins to cry as she opens the plainly marked envelope so see the words  
  
WILLOW: (laughs) Sounds like a threat to me. 'She begins to cry, so *see the words*!'  
  
written boldy in black marker "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" she looks at it terrified as she begins to cry harder.  
  
Julie (Holding back the tears) -   
Who sent this? There's no postmark or return address.  
  
Mrs. James -   
Your guess is as good as mine why what does it say?   
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Nothing I don't want to tell you I have to go now bye see you later I'm leaving and I'm taking my run-on sentence with me.  
SPIKE: (chuckles)  
  
Julie -   
Nothing.   
  
Julie runs up the stairs to her bedroom.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie, pouting) Waah, someone knows I killed that guy last summer. I hate my life.  
  
She sits on a sofa looking at the letter all night long  
  
WILLOW: After two hours, her eyes began to cross... four hours into it, she went blind, but she continued to stare at it. If it took all night, she would figure out how to pronounce the words.  
BUFFY: (as Julie) I kuh-- kuh-- I (whines) sum-- sue--mer.  
  
wondering who could have sent it. She hears a noise outside and runs to shut her window and curtains.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) You're the only ones who understand me. What should I do, Window and Curtains?  
  
She is scared.   
  
EXT. - The streets of southport --- Julies car drives up to the store named Shivers.   
  
XANDER: (amazed) By itself? Wow!  
  
INT. - Shivers --- Back entrance Elsa  
  
BUFFY: Elsa's full name is Back Entrance Elsa? No wonder they shortened it to just Elsa.  
  
is talking to some guys unloading merchandise. A man drops one of the boxes.  
  
Elsa -   
Guys, easy. It's called glass, it breaks.   
  
She walks into the main part of the store greeting some shoppers and begins to arrange some things. Julie walks into the store.   
  
Elsa -   
Well well look what the cat drug in.   
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Another dead bird? That is *so* gross.  
  
Julie -   
Elsa, hi. You know what? I need to talk to Helen and I was wondering if you could give me her New York number?  
  
Elsa -   
Her New York number?  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) Are you deaf? Want me to sign it?  
  
Julie -   
Yeah I need to talk to her.   
  
Elsa -   
Fact check Julie, Helen doesn't have a New York number, if you need to speak to her I suggest you go to womens fragrances, 10 feet to your left.   
  
Camera pans off to show Helen who is arranging some bottles of perfume.   
  
Elsa -   
Frightning isn't it?  
  
WILLOW: Almost as frightening as the transcriber's spelling.  
  
Helen looks up and sees the friend that she hasn't seen in a year and smiles.   
  
Helen -   
Julie?   
  
Julie walks over to her.   
  
Helen -   
When did you get home?   
  
Julie -   
Yesterday.   
  
Helen -   
It's good to see you.   
  
Julie -   
What happened to New York.   
  
XANDER: (as Helen, defensively) It's still there. I didn't break it if that's what you mean.  
  
Helen -   
I went for a while and it didn't really work out.   
  
Julie pulls the letter from her pocket.   
  
Julie -   
Somebody sent this to me.   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's a love letter. I'm special, and you're not, neener, neener, neener.  
  
A look of fear crosses Helens face.   
  
XANDER: (as Helen) I didn't get one too?  
  
Helen -   
Oh my God.   
  
XANDER: (as Helen) Nobody likes me!  
SPIKE: (to Xander) You said it, not me.  
  
Julie -   
Somebody knows Helen.  
  
WILLOW: Of course somebody knows Helen. Lots of people know her. Julie, Elsa, Barry, Ray, Max... and probably lots more people know her, so why is she so shocked?  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Somebody knows we suck at mime school. They're threatening a lynching. Could get ugly.   
  
Helen -   
How?   
  
Julie -   
I don't know.   
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) It just could.  
  
Helen -   
Julie we were so carefull.   
  
Julie -   
Were we? Were we?  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well? Were we? Answer me!  
  
What if somebody saw us? What if somebody else was there that night?  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) They'll tell everyone we were making out, and...  
WILLOW: (to Spike) And what?  
SPIKE: (shrugs) That's all I got... no NC-17, remember?  
  
Helen -   
Who? It's been a year.   
  
XANDER: Random sentences! How? There's six peanuts.  
BUFFY: Where? A bird just flew by.  
WILLOW: When? My blouse is falling down.  
OTHERS: (look)  
WILLOW: (covers her chest) I was kidding.  
  
Julie -   
I don't know.   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...why I have to dominate every conversation. Guess I'm just greedy that way.  
XANDER: (as Helen) I noticed that. You're kind of--  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Annoying? I know! It's the oddest thing.  
XANDER: (as Helen) That's ok, I don't--  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Mind? Cool! You're such a seetie.  
XANDER: (as Helen) Than--  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Thanks? No prob!  
WILLOW: (to Spike) You feel a bit left out?  
SPIKE: Nope.  
  
Helen -   
Has Barry seen this?  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) ...hairy mole on your butt? It's kind of icky.  
SPIKE: (as Julie) No, let's go show him now!  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Ok, let's!  
  
EXT. - Barrys lawn --- Helen and Julie are walking towards the house.   
  
Helen -   
Do you ever see Barry at school?   
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Sure, I see him a lot as he walks by me with the other cool kids, laughing... mocking. (wailing) Why am I so unloved?!  
BUFFY: (as Helen) Nobody likes a perky pest.  
  
Julie -   
It's a big campus. Are you sure he came back?   
  
Helen -   
Saw his car the other day at the gym.  
  
Julie -   
Did you guys break up?   
  
XANDER: (as Julie) ...all that concrete in your basement to fit the rest of our dead bodies into?  
  
Barry walks out on to the patio not pleased at seeing the two of them again.   
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'm not pleased at seeing the two of you again.  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Julie wants to show you her big ole hairy mole. (as an afterthought) On her butt.  
  
Barry (not excited to see them)-  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'm not excited to see you.  
WILLOW: (as Helen) But... hairy mole, remember?  
  
Hey. What are you two doing here?  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen, quietly) Um... hairy mole...?  
  
Helen -   
Hi Bare.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) ...yourself, and let's get naughty!  
SPIKE: (shudders)  
  
EXT. - Barrys patio --- they are discussing the letter.  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) Yeah, I like B best, 'cause of how my first name starts with it.  
XANDER: (as Helen) I like B too, 'cause of how you like it.  
  
Barry -   
This is nothing. I know what you did last summer?  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Isn't that a movie?  
  
Oooh, what a crock of shit.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) Isn't that a movie?  
  
Helen -   
We need help.  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'll say!  
  
Barry -   
Yeah I'll say,  
  
WILLOW: (to Spike) You read ahead.  
SPIKE: Did not.  
WILLOW: Did so.  
SPIKE: Did not.  
WILLOW: Did--  
BUFFY: Children!  
  
you know what? You guys should check out a mirror once and a while, you two look like shit run over twice.  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie, confused) Like Ray run over twice? I don't get it.  
  
Helen -   
You're a prick.  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am not a prick! But I do have one... wanna see?  
BUFFY: (smacks Spike's arm) You're walking a fine line, Spike.  
  
Julie -   
We can't just ignore it.  
  
SPIKE: (snickers)  
WILLOW: (giggles)  
  
Barry -   
Come one Julie,  
  
WILLOW: (as Barry) Come all!  
  
how do you know this is even related? You did a lot of things last summer.  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Yeah, I did become a stripper. And a lawyer. Not to mention the movie I scripted, produced, directed and starred in...  
BUFFY: (as Helen) You also finished Zelda.  
XANDER: (as Julie) Right, can't forget that.  
  
Julie -   
Yeah well only one murder comes to mind.   
  
Barry is extremly pissed that she mentions that night again.   
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am extremely pissed that you mentioned that night again.  
  
Barry -   
You shut the hell up! We didn't murder anyone.  
  
XANDER: (as Barry) Except that guy we ran over and dumped in the ocean... but other than that we didn't murder *anyone*!  
  
Julie -   
He was still alive when we dumped him in the water.  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) God, Barry, we should've at least bashed him over the head before dumping him. It was inhumane.  
  
Helen -   
Do we have to rehash this? It was an accident, the guy was in the middle of the road.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) ...he was fair game.  
  
Julie -   
His name was David Egan.   
  
Barry -   
Who?  
  
Julie -   
David Egan.  
  
ALL: Who?  
  
He was found three weeks after we....  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...dressed him up and played Weekend At Bernie's with him. Wasn't that fun?  
  
his body was caught in a shrimp net not far from millers dock. It was in the paper,  
  
XANDER: Wait, was the body in a shrimp net, or in the paper?  
  
I think the police called it an accidental drowning. You can call it an accident all you want but he died because of us that's certain.  
  
Barry -   
What about Ray? Have you showed this letter to him? What does he think?   
  
Julie -   
I haven't seen Ray since last summer, we broke up and last I heard he was working up north.   
  
Barry -   
Okay let's supposed someone was there that night,  
  
SPIKE: (to Willow) Spelling bothering you yet?  
WILLOW: (to Spike) Shh! I'm supposed-ing.  
  
why send the letter one year later? Probably some crack fucking around....Max.   
  
ALL: O_O  
  
Julie -   
Max? You think?   
  
Barry -   
Who else? He was there.   
  
EXT. - Fish Plant --- Julie, Helen and Barry are walking towards the building.   
  
Barry -   
You two wait here.   
  
Julie -   
What are you gonna do?   
  
Barry -   
I know what I'm doing.   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well... good for you. But I asked what you were going to do, not if you knew what you were doing.  
  
INT. - Fish Plant --- Max is working with some lobster pots. He notices Barry walking in.  
  
XANDER: (as Max, effiminately) Hey, Barry, wanna help me plant some tulips? I painted these pots to pretty up the place! What do you think?  
  
Max -   
Well go figure, I was just thinking to myself what ever happened to that Barry Cox?   
  
Barry (being very polite) -   
Hey Max. Hey listen can we talk for a sec? In private?   
  
XANDER: (as Max, effiminately) Ooo! Finally, my dream come true. Our first date!  
  
Max -   
Oh what this isn't private enough for you?  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry, seductively) Me, you, a bedroom... that's the kind of privacy I need.  
XANDER: (as Max, giggles) Yes! Let's--  
SPIKE: (ticked off) Hey, if I can't, then you can't.  
BUFFY/XANDER (share a guilty look) Sorry.  
  
Barry smirks and walks out back and Max follows him.  
  
Max -   
Yeah what?   
  
Barry then grabs Max and pushes him into a block of ice holding him down.  
  
XANDER: (as Max, excitedly) Oh... oh. Touch me, tiger! Rowr.  
WILLOW: (stares at Xander) Um, something you wanna tell us, Xan?  
XANDER: No, no, no, nothing here. Absolutely not. I am hetero all the way.  
WILLOW: 'Kay, just wondered.  
  
Barry -   
Look you shit we got your little letter.   
  
Max -   
What the hell are you talking about?   
  
Barry -   
Don't fuck with me Max, you saw us that night.  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) You saw me and Ray. I'm so sorry, sweetie, forgive me?  
WILLOW: (as Max) Oh yes, darling!  
SPIKE: (as Barry) Kiss me, baby!  
WILLOW: (as Max) Hold me, lover--  
XANDER: Hello!  
WILLOW: (shrugs, sharing a grin with Spike)  
  
Max -   
What the fuck are you on huh?  
  
Barry grabs a large fish hook that was sitting on a block of ice and holds it up to Maxs face.  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) With, or without kinks?  
OTHERS: O_O  
  
Max -   
Jesus Christ.   
  
Barry -   
Listen I'm gonna say this once, I'll fucking kill your ass, I got no problem with that...  
  
SPIKE: I could say something here... could, but I won't.  
OTHERS: Good.  
  
Max -   
Oh get the fuck off me.  
  
XANDER: Too easy.  
  
Barry -   
You understand me?  
  
BUFFY: (as Max) Seeing as how you're speaking English, yeah.  
  
Max -   
Get off of me.  
  
Max struggles with Barry  
  
XANDER: (as Max) Unh, lemme go. Meanie!  
  
and Barry cuts Max's arm with the hook and then walks away putting the hook back where he got it from. Max is laying on the floor wondering what just happened.  
  
WILLOW: (as Max) What just happened?  
  
He gets up and he is angry and grabs the hook yelling at Barry who is leaving.   
  
Max -   
Mother fucker. Don't you test me mother fucker, I'll call the cops on your college quaterback ass.  
  
WILLOW: I'm sensing some anger from Max.  
  
EXT. - Back on the street --- Barry is walking out where Julie and Helen have been waiting.   
  
Julie -   
So did he admit to the letter?  
  
Barry keeps walking.   
  
Barry -   
He won't bother you anymore.   
  
Helen -   
What did you do?   
  
Barry -   
I took care of it okay?   
  
Julie -   
How?   
  
Barry -   
I scared the shit out of him alright?   
  
Stepping up from out of a boat is Ray. The old group of friends are reunited.  
  
Barry -   
Well I'll be damned.  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry, effiminate) ...and go to hell if it isn't a heavenly piece of manmeat. Hi, Ray! Yoo hoo, Ray! Over here! Mmm, he's so precious.  
  
Ray (to Julie) -   
Hi.   
  
Barry -   
So Ray grew up to be a fisherman huh?  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Yeah, I've been working for Gorton's for a while now. That whole thing with the Van De Kamps fell through and... well, here I am.  
  
Ray -   
Yeah, almost a year now, I work on that one over there on the end.   
  
Barry does not look where Ray has just pointed.  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am not looking where you just pointed, so there!  
  
Barry -   
That's nice. Have a nice life guys, I'm out of here.   
  
Barry leaves.  
  
BUFFY: Helen poses.  
XANDER: Ray blinks.  
WILLOW: Julie frowns.  
SPIKE: Max dies.  
  
Ray (to Julie) -   
You got a minute?   
  
Helen doesn't want to be intrude.  
  
WILLOW: (laughs hysterically)  
SPIKE: (to the others) I think she finally broke.  
BUFFY: Will? Um, you ok?  
XANDER: Hey, Will, it's ok, just a silly typo... right?  
WILLOW: (stops laughing, stares straight ahead)  
SPIKE: Definitely broken.  
  
Helen -   
I gotta get back to work, call me, we can get togeather.  
  
WILLOW: (giggles)  
  
Julie -   
Yeah okay.   
  
Helen leaves Ray and Julie alone to talk.   
  
Julie -   
We need to talk.  
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) Yeah, um, I think that's why the author left us alone.  
  
INT. - Fish Plant --- Ray and Julie are walking in discussing the letter.   
  
Ray -   
You think Max sent it?   
  
Julie -   
Barry does. I don't know.   
  
Ray -   
Well, you know how Max feels about you guys, look he's probably just screwing around, he doesn't have much else to do you know?  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) He's a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being, whereas I, on the other hand, am a... (proudly) fisherman!  
  
Julie -   
Yeah maybe.   
  
EXT. - On the wharf --- Ray and Julie are talking while he is working.   
  
Ray -   
So, how's school?  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Academic-y.  
  
Julie -   
So you're a fisherman?  
  
SPIKE: (to the others) She gonna snap out of it soon?  
BUFFY: I don't know. I've never seen her go into typo-shock, it's a new experience for me.  
XANDER: (not worried) She's good. This happened in the fourth grade when she talked me into letting her read my book report... she'll come out of it in five minutes or so.  
SPIKE: (raises an eyebrow at them) And humans think vampires are odd?  
XANDER/BUFFY: Yes.  
  
Ray -   
Yeah prophecy fullfilled right? I've become my father.  
  
WILLOW: (snickers)  
  
Julie -   
I thought you didn't know your dad?   
  
Ray -   
Ah he worked the boats, that's all I do know about him.   
  
Pause.  
  
XANDER: ...pause... pause... now go!  
  
Ray -   
Look I thought a lot about last summer, I know you hold me responsible for what happened.   
  
Julie -   
I don't hold you responsible, no I'm responsible for my own actions and I don't blame you. But I don't want to know you either.  
  
BUFFY: (chastising) That was kind of harsh.  
  
She runs away from a confused Ray leaving him there all alone.  
  
SPIKE: All alone with the other fishermen.  
XANDER: And dockhands.  
BUFFY: And boat owners.  
SPIKE: And-- (looks at Willow) I think she's coming out of it.  
XANDER: (looks) Yep.  
BUFFY: Welcome back, Will.  
  
INT. - Fish Plant - Max is cooking lobsters. he burns his finger and goes to get gloves. He sees a shadow through the steam from the boiling water and looks closer to see what it is and sees someone in a black slicker coming towards him and then the hook goes through his throat and dragging him across the table.  
  
WILLOW: (blinks a few times) ...what? 'And dragging him across the table...' what? Incomplete sentence! Arrest that man! (shakes her head as if to clear it) Where are we?  
XANDER: (pats her knee soothingly) You're safe. Remember the script reading thing? Being stuck in a room with us?  
WILLOW: (nods slowly) Right. I forgot. I got trapped in Typo Hell.  
BUFFY: So we noticed. You ok?  
SPIKE: (sighs in irritation)  
WILLOW: I'm good. All better now. Let's read on.  
  
EXT - SouthPort street --- Barry is pulling up to the South Port Muscle.  
  
INT. - Southport Muscle. --- Barry is working out, punching and kickboxing.  
  
INT. - Locker Room --- Barry is taking tape off his hands and sees a shadow.  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) Um, excuse me, no shadows allowed in here, didn't you see the sign?  
  
Barry -   
Hello??  
  
INT. - Shower --- Barry is showering after his workout, he sees a shadow go past the door.  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry, calling) That's right, you just keep on going out the door, Mr. High and Mighty Shadow Man, thinking you're better than the other shadows, breaking the rules and--  
WILLOW: (to Buffy) ... Um?  
BUFFY: (shrugs)  
  
Barry -   
Hello???  
  
INT. - Locker Room --- Barry sees a ploaroid  
  
WILLOW: (starts twitching)  
XANDER: (as Crocodile Hunter) The hunter spots his prey... oh, crikey! It's the infamous ploaroid, native to North America, and England. He slowly approaches it, giving it ample space, staying to its blind side... suddenly, there's danger! The ploaroid sees our man, and jumps on him, taking him to the ground... (sees the others' stares) I'm alone on that one, huh?  
OTHERS: Yeah.  
  
picture sticking out of his locker, he looks at it, it's a picture of his car which is parked outside with "I Know" written on the picture. He looks in his locked and his jacket is missing.  
  
SPIKE: Huh?  
BUFFY: Don't try to understand it.  
  
Barry -   
My fucking jacket.  
  
WILLOW: (as Barry) It's cheating on me with my sweater! The ho!  
  
He quickly gets dressed and runs out into the lobby where an old man working is reading the newspaper.  
  
Barry -   
Who else is here? anybody else working out?  
  
Worker -   
Just you and me pal.  
  
BUFFY: (as Worker) It may not look like I'm working out, but as I sit here and read, I'm also doing my Kiegle exercises.  
WILLOW: (snorts with laughter)  
XANDER: What are Kiegle--  
SPIKE: You don't want to know.  
XANDER: Yes, I do.  
SPIKE: No, you don't  
XANDER: I really, really do.  
WILLOW: (leans over and whispers in Xander's ear)  
XANDER: (shudders) I really, really didn't.  
SPIKE: (laughs)  
  
Barry runs outdoor to see his car is being backed out of the parking lot, he chases after it.  
  
XANDER: (as Barry) Wait! Car, please, we can work this out! I never meant to hurt you. But you said you wanted to see other cars...  
  
Barry -   
Hey! Hey! Fucker.  
  
SPIKE: You fuck her, you brought her!  
WILLOW: Well, that's it, we're officially in NC-17 territory. Thanks.  
SPIKE: Anytime, pet.  
  
The car back into the end of the street with Barry chasing it, the car stops, Barry is looking directly at it.  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry, crying) Please, car, I love you.  
  
Barry -   
Max, you're fucking dead.  
  
XANDER: Hey, Barry's being an omnipotent character.  
WILLOW: No, he's not, he's threatening Max, not stating a fact.  
XANDER: Oh. Hey, Barry's being mean.  
  
The headlights of the car come on and starts speeding towards Barry, he starts to run away but the car is right behind him. He is backed up against an old deserted building with nowhere to go, he is looking at the car trying to think of something to do, the car pauses and then rams into Barry who flips up onto the windsheild and the car pushes him through the building. The car stops and someone in a slicker gets out and is looking down at an injured Barry. Barry is screaming for help.  
  
XANDER: (as Barry) Help, you better get your ass over here right now!  
  
Barry -   
Help me!!! help me!! somebody. What do you want????   
  
The slicker-clad madman pulls out a big fishing hook.   
  
Barry -   
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I swear we didn't mean it , please don't.  
  
WILLOW: (as Barry) We didn't mean to hit you and drive your body to the wharf, then throw you in when you turned out to be alive.  
SPIKE: That comma up there is trying to get away... quick, catch it! (pauses) Oh, God, I'm turning into Willow.  
WILLOW: (looks offended)  
  
Screen fades to black.  
  
INT. - Southport hospital - Julie is getting off the elevator and sees Ray.  
  
INT. - Barrys hospital room - the four former friends are all in there talking about what just happened.  
  
BUFFY: (looks up) Did something happen? What'd I miss?  
XANDER: Um, a car ran over Barry, and a fisherman stood over him with a hook. Doesn't ring any bells?  
BUFFY: (embarrassed) I was sort of filing my nails. (pulls an emory board out from under her thigh)  
SPIKE: (snorts in disgust)  
BUFFY: Hey, I had a chipped nail. Nothing worse than a nail that snags on everything... it's annoying. (glares at Spike) At least I don't paint mine black.  
SPIKE: (shrugs, not caring)  
WILLOW: (looking from one to the other) Me-ow!  
  
Barry -   
No for the fortieth fucking time I couldn't see his face.  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) He was behind me, and I was busy enjoying--  
WILLOW: (slaps her hand over his mouth) Don't say it! I know where you're going, and I can't let you do it.  
SPIKE: (pulls her hand away, amused) And you're going to do what to stop me?  
WILLOW: (silent)  
SPIKE: (snorts) That's what I thought. Ahem. He was--  
WILLOW: (slaps her hand over his mouth again)  
SPIKE: (sighs) Fine, I won't say it. Prudes.  
WILLOW: Pervert.  
XANDER: Kids, please.  
  
Julie -   
We have no choice here okay? Somebody tried to kill you last night, we have to go to the police.  
  
Barry -   
No he wasn't trying to kill me last night, if he wanted me dead he could've done it, he's just fucking with us.  
  
SPIKE: (smirks) Some more than others.  
WILLOW: (glares at Spike)  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)  
  
Helen -   
Who is?  
  
XANDER: (as Barry) Um, the guy who attacked me last night. Pay attention!  
  
Barry -   
I don't know, some guy in a slicker.  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) Oh, I thought you meant that guy who attacked you last night.  
  
Ray -   
Well that narrows it down, this being a quaint little fishing village and all.   
  
Barry -   
Since you bring it up, we all know you have a slicker.  
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) That darling little red one? Isn't it adorable?  
  
Ray -   
You are not going to throw this on me.  
  
XANDER: What's he throwing?  
WILLOW: Blame.  
XANDER: Ah.  
  
Helen -   
Come on you guys please don't do this.   
  
Julie -   
This isn't getting us anywhere.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie, frustrated) We're still in the same room, why aren't we magickally moving?  
  
Ray -   
Look, maybe we should just come clean.  
  
WILLOW: (as Barry) No, I like being dirty. It's fun. And naughty... and stuff.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) What would you know about being naughty?  
WILLOW: (insulted) I've done things. Bad things... not-so-nice things.  
SPIKE: (laughing) I'll just bet. Let's hear 'em then. What bad things did little miss innocent do?  
BUFFY: You mean besides date a werewolf?  
XANDER: Besides play vampire for the group of vampires an alternate universe-vampire Willow had amassed in just a few hours?  
SPIKE: (rolling his eyes) Yes, I mean besides those.  
WILLOW: Wouldn't you like to know?  
SPIKE: (sarcastically) No, that's why I asked.  
WILLOW: Moving on...  
  
Barry -   
No. No. We made a pact and we're keep it.  
  
XANDER: 'We're keep it'? He speaks in english words, but he makes a sense that isn't.  
  
Julie -   
Yeah but this is insane now Barry look at us, this secret's killing us.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Ahh! It got me, I'm dying... the secret got me, man. Tell my mom...(gasps) tell her I was always prettier than her... (gasps, stops breathing)  
WILLOW/XANDER: (applaud)  
  
Barry -   
I'm not going to the police and you're not either.   
  
Julie -   
Barry please, we could put an end to it and maybe salvage some small fraction of a life.   
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) I want this small fraction.  
BUFFY: (as Julie) No! That one's mine, and you can't have it.  
XANDER: (as Ray) Tough patooties! It's mine now, muwahahaha.  
WILLOW: (to Xander) 'Muwahahaha'? Who actually says that?  
XANDER: Me.  
  
Barry -   
And how do we do that? Huh? There was no accident Julie it was murder, your words remember? Murder. I say we find the fuck who's doing this and have a little one on one.  
  
SPIKE: (opens his mouth)  
BUFFY: No.  
SPIKE: What? I only wanted to say--  
WILLOW: Don't.  
SPIKE: (growls in frustration)  
  
Ray -   
What like last night Bare?  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) Hey, how'd you know me and fisherman had a fling last night? Did you watch us, you pervert?  
OTHERS: (sigh)  
BUFFY: Just had to get that in there, didn't you?  
SPIKE: Pretty much, yeah.  
  
Barry jumps to a sitting position in his bed.  
  
Barry -   
Fuck you man.  
  
SPIKE: (as Ray) You played that last night, and you lost.  
XANDER: (to Spike) Scream?  
SPIKE: (nods)  
WILLOW: The blood and guts?  
SPIKE: (nods)  
BUFFY: Ew.  
  
Helen -   
No Barry's right, whosever doing this isn't going to the police, we could this guy, talk to him.  
  
WILLOW: (twitches) Ack!  
  
Barry -   
How do we find him?  
  
Helen -   
Well it's got to be a friend or a family member of the guy we hit. What was his name??  
  
Julie -   
David Egan.  
  
ALL: Who?  
  
Helen -   
Right...David Egan.  
  
ALL: Who?  
  
EXT. - Hospital --- Julie, Ray and Helen are walking through the hall ready to leave and they are discussing what they should do.  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) What should we do?  
BUFFY: (as Julie, uninterested) I dunno.  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Where are we?  
  
Ray -   
Look I don't think we should give up on Max, it could still be him.  
  
XANDER: Could not. Max is dead.  
WILLOW: They don't know that.  
XANDER: Oh, right, Barry is Omnipotent Boy, not Ray.  
  
Julie -   
Then find him Ray, prove Barry wrong, that's what you want isn't it?  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Um, yes?  
  
Ray -   
No, no,  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Um, no?  
  
what I want is for you and me to just...  
  
WILLOW: (as Ray) ...get it on. Right here, right now.  
  
Julie -   
Listen to me Ray okay, I want you to get something,  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) ... me! Here I am, take me!  
BUFFY: (to Willow) Uh, I think Spike's rubbing off on you.  
SPIKE: Not yet, but I could if you really wanted me to.  
XANDER: And you've been hallucinating for how long now?  
  
there is no you and me.  
  
Julie takes off down the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. Ray and Helen look at each other and Helen follows Julie.  
  
INT. - Julies house - Julie and Helen are looking up articles about David Egan on the internet.   
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Wow, check out all these nude pictures... David was a cutie.  
  
Julie -   
Okay I can access the local library online, I think we can cross-refrence and pull up all we need to know.  
  
WILLOW: I don't feel like cross-refrencing. Let's cross-reference instead.  
  
She finds what she is looking for and types in her querey.  
  
WILLOW: (irritably) If I ever find the transcriber, I'm gonna give him--  
XANDER: A piece of your mind?  
WILLOW: No, a spell checker.  
  
Julie -   
Egan, David.  
  
A bunch of articles pop up on the screen.  
  
BUFFY: Ahh! Don't do that!  
  
Helen -   
All these articles are about David Egan?  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) Nah, I did a search on 'hot women with big breasts'.  
BUFFY: (to Spike) You're a pig, Spike.  
SPIKE: So you feel the need to constantly tell me.  
  
Julie -   
Yeah or at least mention him, it should pull up anything with his name.  
  
Julie-   
Wait, July 5th two years ago, what's this?  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) It's a date.  
  
Julie start reading one outloud.   
  
Julie -   
Susie Willis died of drowning, she was trapped in a car after it skided out of control on the reefs near Dawsons beach, the driver David Egan was unharmed.  
  
SPIKE: How does one skide?  
WILLOW: Very carefully.  
  
Helen -   
I remember that wreck two summers ago.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Yes. This accident, two years ago, was two summers before, do you remember it, from two years ago?  
WILLOW: (as Helen) The one from two summers ago?  
BUFFY: (as Julie) No, the one from two years ago.  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Oh... right. The one that happened two years ago. I think I remember that accident that happened two summers before.  
  
Julie (still reading) -   
Susie was engaged to David, they were gonna be married. Wait a second I remember he had her name tattooed on his arm, I saw it.  
  
Julie pops up another article.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen, gasps) It's magic!  
  
Julie -   
Survived by his mother Claire and sister Melissa Egan of Marible County.  
  
Helen -   
They live in the sticks, what do you think?  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) I try not to.  
  
Julie -   
Whadda we got to lose??  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) You mean besides our lives?  
  
EXT. - Marible County Road --- Julie and Helen are driving to the Egan house. Helen is reading a map.  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) Left at Bay... r-- ro-- um, what's this say?  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Road.  
  
Helen -   
Turn right.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) But you just said left!  
  
Julie -   
Where??  
  
Helen -   
Back there.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen, giggles) I made a mistake, I'm so cute!  
  
They back the car up to get to the road they are looking for and turn down it.  
  
Helen -   
What exactly is the plan? I mean are we just gonna ring the doorbell and say we killed your son and we were in the neighborhood so...  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) Yes. Why? You think we shouldn't?  
  
Julie -   
Look I thought we would scope it out then play it by ear.  
  
XANDER: (confused) Scoop it out and play with her ear? What--  
WILLOW: Don't create mistakes where there aren't any.  
XANDER: (rubs his eyes and reads it again) Oh.  
  
Helen -   
Don't you think we should have some sort of a plan? Angela Landsbury always had a plan.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie, scornfully) Angela Lansbury was a character on a t.v. show... we're real.  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Um, Angela Lansbury's her real name. You're a stupid-head.  
  
The car stops at a mailbox that has "Egan" written is bold letters.  
  
XANDER: Look at those bold letters, just displaying themselves boldly... the sluts.  
  
EXT. - The Egans driveway --- Julie and Helen are walking towards the house.  
  
SPIKE: And the house is backing away, but it does no good. They just keep coming.  
  
Helen -   
What if they're waiting for us? What if they recognize us? They could have a gun and shoot us dead.  
  
BUFFY: As opposed to shooting them wounded.  
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)  
  
Julie -   
It's been a year Helen, they could have done that already.  
  
Helen -   
Yeah, Jodi Foster tried this and a skinner of a serial killer answered the door.  
  
SPIKE: Excellent movie.  
XANDER: Really? Even without the blood and guts?  
SPIKE: (shrugs) I have layers.  
  
They get to the house and knock on the door twice and no one answers.  
  
Helen -   
Well it was a good try.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Maybe we could try waiting longer than half a second before giving up.  
  
Julie is not satisfied,  
  
SPIKE: I've got a solution for that.  
BUFFY: (sighs) I'll bet you do.  
SPIKE: Can I help it if the words lend themselves to sexual interpretation?  
BUFFY: Yes.  
  
she walks around the side of the house and looks in a window.  
  
BUFFY: Peeping Tom!  
  
Helen -   
Adding breaking and entering to our crime spree?  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie, in an exceedingly perky voice) Unh-huh!  
  
A womans image appears in a old mirror that is sitting next to the house.  
  
XANDER: A old mirror?  
WILLOW: The transcriber is so poor, he couldn't afford that extra 'N'.  
XANDER: (nods wisely)  
  
The woman is Missy Egan.  
  
XANDER: Missy Egan is 'The Woman!' in this year's blockbuster, 'The Woman!'. Starring Missy Egan as, 'The Woman!'.  
  
Missy -   
Can I help you?  
  
SPIKE: (as Helen) We're beyond help.  
  
Julie -   
Oh, hi, our car stalled down the road and we were just wondering if maybe we could use your phone?  
  
WILLOW: (as Missy) No! Absolutely not! It's my phone. Mine!  
  
INT. - The Egan house ---  
  
Missy -   
Phone's over there.  
  
XANDER: Ceiling's up there.  
BUFFY: Floor's down there.  
WILLOW: Wall's over there.  
SPIKE: No.  
  
Julie -   
Oh thanks. Jody, will you call triple A?  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) Who are you talking to, Julie? My name is Helen, remember? We grew up together, friends all our lives... so who is-- oh. Um, (flatly) yes I will call Triple-A, thank you very much for asking.  
  
Helen -   
You got it, Angela.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie, to Missy) She thinks I've got 'IT'.  
  
Helen turns to go to the telephone and her face walks into a black fishing slicker  
  
ALL: (laugh)  
BUFFY: (still giggling) Her face walked into something? Where was the rest of her when this happened?  
  
and she screams. Julie just laughs to not look suspicious. Helen composses herself and goes to the phone.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie, laughs nervously) It's funny. Ha ha. She's so funny when she's scared to death.  
  
Missy -   
My name's Missy Egan. Are you girls from Mirable?  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Like, oh my God, no! We're not hicks! I mean, um, no.  
  
Julie -   
No, Southport.  
  
Missy -   
Oh I went to Southport High.  
  
Julie -   
Yeah I knew you looked fimiliar,  
  
WILLOW: Suck up.  
SPIKE: (sighs) Don't feed me lines unless you're prepared to accept the consequences.  
WILLOW: I wasn't feeding you anything. So just keep your mouth-- well, ok, I see how that could be construed as... so! How's that door coming along?  
BUFFY: (chuckles) Wow, the top, and half the other side is there, and, look!  
XANDER: Cool.  
  
  
A/N: End chapter two. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________ 


	3. I Know What They Parodied Last Summer (p...

I Know What They Parodied Last Summer  
  
an MST3K of  
  
I Know What You Did Last Summer  
  
by sinecure  
  
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P  
  
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.  
  
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
  
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
The four of them got up to check it out. The door itself was starting to fill in. Dark wood was being colored in place. It was frozen in time at the moment, but most of the way filled. Half a brass doorknob was visible, and one of the brass hinges, but not much more than that.  
  
Spike sat back down, obviously eager to finish up and get out of there. "Come on, come on, we're almost free. Let's go."  
  
They wasted no time in joining him in the chairs and diving back into the script.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
XANDER: Um, where were we?  
BUFFY: Julie just told Missy that she looked familiar.  
XANDER: Right. Now I remember.  
  
what year?  
  
Missy -   
Ah class of '88.  
  
SPIKE: (as Missy, in a snooty voice) Ah, yes, '88, I remember it well. It was a year of big hair, and tight clothing... good times, good times.  
  
Julie -   
Your name, Egan, it sounds very fimiliar, do you have a brother or something?  
  
Missy -   
I did but he was younger than me, David, younger.  
  
XANDER: (as Missy) David, younger. Me, older. Talk like Yoda I do.  
  
Julie -   
What class was he?  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) Oh, um, he was lower class.  
  
Missy -   
Ah '92 but he's dead, he died last july.  
  
Julie -   
I'm so sorry.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...for smacking into him with a car and then drowning him and stuff.  
BUFFY: (as Missy) Oh, that's ok, I didn't like him that much anyway.  
  
Missy -   
Thanks.  
  
Julie -   
Do you ah,  
  
SPIKE: (as Missy) Not very often. Do you ah a lot? I could use someone to ah with. I've been ah-less lately.  
WILLOW: (as Julie) How much ah do you need?  
SPIKE: (as Missy) Not a lot, just some.  
WILLOW: (as Julie, with great relish) So you want some ah, therefore you would be ah-some.  
XANDER: (groans) That was bad. Real bad.  
BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) You two oughta be ashamed of yourselves.  
  
do you live alone?  
  
XANDER: Is that her sneaky way of asking if Missy's single?  
SPIKE: No, that's her extremely obvious way of asking if she's there alone so they can come back later and kill her.  
WILLOW: Somehow I don't think that's the plan.  
SPIKE: (shrugs) Always worked for me.  
WILLOW: (turns pale)  
SPIKE: (laughs)  
  
Missy -   
Yeah, ah well my daddy died a long time ago and my mama she's in a home you know in Aurora because she didn't take, take too well to what happened with David. Things just haven't been the same since he died.  
  
BUFFY: Welcome to Convoluted Sentences 'R Us.  
XANDER: (as Julie) Really? 'Cause, things were peachy when my daddy died. Guess you guys actually liked your dead relative.  
  
A long pause and then Helen walks over after her phone call.  
  
Helen -   
They're on their way.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) ...to charge us up the wazoo, and take advantage of us.  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yay!  
  
Missy -   
I could make you guys a cup of tea while you're waiting.  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) ...for those guys to take advantage of you.  
  
Helen -   
Thanks.  
  
Julie -   
Yeah thanks, that's nice of you.  
  
Missy smiles and walks into the kitchen. Helen and Julie are looking at pictures of David and Missy in happier times.  
  
Helen -   
You know I think I remember David, he had a friend right? what was his name?  
  
Missy (from the kitchen) -   
Who?  
  
XANDER: ...is on first.  
  
Helen -   
Didn't he hang out with this guy, I mean they were really close, god what was his name.  
  
XANDER: No, What Was His Name was on second. Who was on first.  
  
Missy -   
Oh, I don't know, I didn't know too many of Davids friends  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) They were younger and skankier than me, beneath me really.  
SPIKE: (snarls)  
BUFFY: (to Spike) What's your problem?  
SPIKE: (calms down) Nothing.  
  
Helen -   
Oh  
  
XANDER: I.  
BUFFY: C.  
  
Missy -   
But there, there was one guy, one guy, he stopped by not too long after Davids death and and he came to pay his respects.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Really really. Did he, did he?  
  
Julie -   
Really??  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) I was kidding. I didn't really think David had any friends! Wow, I guess even losers have friends.  
  
Missy -   
Oh, yeah he was a really nice guy, he was cute and smart. And well we were sweet on each other for about two minutes, but it didn't work out you know. He never really said it but I think it hurt him to be around me.  
  
SPIKE: No, I think it was because you're ugly as sin, and a hick to boot.  
  
Helen -   
Where is this old friend now?  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) He'll want me, 'cause I'm pretty, and not a hick.  
  
Missy -   
Oh I don't know.  
  
XANDER: (as Missy) I was just kidding. There wasn't really a guy, you caught me.  
  
Helen -   
Do you remember his name?  
  
XANDER: (as Missy) His pretend name?  
  
Missy -   
Billy.  
  
ALL: (look at Spike)  
SPIKE: What are you looking at?  
BUFFY: (chuckles) Nothing... Billy.  
SPIKE: (not amused) The name was William. Key word being 'was'.  
  
Helen -   
Did he have a last name?  
  
XANDER: (as Missy) Nah, I only pretend named him Billy.  
  
Missy is looking up remembering her time with Billy Blue.  
  
XANDER: (as Missy) All those times we pretend skiied, and pretend kissed... it was great. But the best part was when we pretend slept together.  
  
Missy -   
Blue...Billy Blue  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) ...come blow your horn.  
  
Julie -   
Well you know what?  
  
WILLOW: (as Missy) Never met him.  
  
We should probably wait back at the car.  
  
Missy -   
No don't be ridiculous, why don't... ah stay.  
  
Julie -   
No, I don't want to miss triple A.  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) He's fighting Triple H, should be a kick-ass match.  
  
Helen -   
We apreciate the phone.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) We appreciate inanimate objects.  
  
The begin to leave, Missy yells as they are leaving...  
  
ALL: (yell) Get out!  
  
Missy -   
Anytime you know, I don't get too many knocks on my door nowadays.  
  
EXT.- Julies Car --- They have just left Missys house and Julie is upset.  
  
Helen -   
You okay?  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Duh, no, I'm upset.  
  
Julie -   
I wigged out I'm sorry. But being in his house and seeing his sister. God do you see what we've done?  
  
Helen -   
It was an accident.  
  
Julie -   
Helen we killed a man and then ruined the lives of everyone he knew.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) It was fun, wasn't it?  
  
Helen -   
I don't think we're that powerful Julie, You're giving us way too much credit.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) Yeah, see, we're not that smart.  
  
Missy runs up along side of the car and pounds on the window making Julie and Helen jump.  
  
Missy -   
Hey! You forgot your cigarettes.  
  
Julie -   
Thank you.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...for bringing us back our cancer sticks. We couldn't get, and help spread, diseases without them.  
  
Missy -   
Well I see you got this car started didn't ya?  
  
Julie -   
Yeah damndest thing, it started right up.  
  
Missy -   
Funny how that happens.  
  
Julie drives away as Missy is still talking leaving Missy with a sinister look on her face.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Here you go, Missy, I got this sinister look just for you.  
  
EXT. - Helens house --- Julie and Helen are in the car still, Julie is dropping Helen off.  
  
Helen -   
So what now?  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Now you get out of the car and go inside your house... haven't you ever been dropped off before?  
BUFFY: (as Helen) Um, no, Barry made me walk home. You know, for such a rich guy, he sure did run low on gas a lot.  
WILLOW: (snickers)  
  
Julie -   
Now we try and locate this Billy Blue.  
  
Helen -   
Maybe he wanted to die.  
  
Julie -   
What?  
  
Helen -   
David Egan.  
  
ALL: Who?  
  
His girlfriend was killed on that same road july 4th one year earlier,.  
  
WILLOW: What a blatant use of punctuation. The transcriber is a punctuation ho.  
  
Maybe he blammed himself,  
  
SPIKE: He was blamming himself in the road, in the middle of the night? There are better places to blam oneself, bud.  
BUFFY: (primly) And we don't want to hear about any of them, thank you.  
  
maybe he was sitting in the road waiting for us to hit him.   
  
Julie -   
Yeah if that'll help you sleep at night.  
  
Helen -   
What happened between us? We used to be best friends.  
  
Julie -   
We used to be a lot of things.  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Like men.  
  
Helen -   
I miss you.  
  
No response from Julie. Helen sees that the feeling isn't mutual.  
  
BUFFY: Ok, and on behalf of the human race I'll say what everyone is thinking right now. 'What a bitch!'  
WILLOW: Thank you.  
XANDER: Well said.  
SPIKE: She is in need of a bit of an attitude adjustment.  
  
Helen -   
Yeah. Well.  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) ...you smell, and your hair is stringy.  
  
She gets out of the car and Julie drives away without saying a word.  
  
INT. - Helens house - Helen walks into the living room and sees her father sitting watching TV.  
  
Helen -   
Hey Dad.  
  
Her father is too wrapped up in the ball game to notice his daughter. She walks into the kitchen and pours a glass of diet coke while the killer is sneaking in the front door and working his way up the stairs. Helen finishes her drink and goes up to her bedrooom just in time to miss seeing who just went up before her. She gets to her room but no one is there. She changes into her night clothes and looks at the crown that she will have to give back the next day. Suddenly a hand is moving towards her and touches her on the arm, she jumps and turns around, it's Elsa.  
  
WILLOW: I'm in information overload.  
XANDER: I'm with ya.  
  
Elsa -   
Hey is the washed up, dried out, has-been having a moment?  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) I don't know, are you?  
  
Helen -   
What do you want?  
  
Elsa -   
We're doing inventory at the store tomorrow and I need you there by ten.  
  
Helen sits on her bed brushing her hair.  
  
WILLOW: ...with a fork.  
OTHERS: O_O  
WILLOW: I'm running dry with the wit.  
XANDER: It is getting a bit harder, isn't it?  
BUFFY: (sighs) I thought it was just me.  
SPIKE: It is.  
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.  
  
Helen -   
I can't, I'm in the parade tomorrow.  
  
Elsa -   
Well dad put me in charge of the store and I want you there by ten.  
  
Helen -   
The outgoing queen has to ride in the parade prior to the padgent,  
  
WILLOW: (twitches)  
XANDER: Breathe, Will, breathe.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) What happened to fixing it in your head?  
WILLOW: I'm losing my resistance. My will is weak.  
BUFFY: We're almost done, Willow, hang on. You can make it.  
WILLOW: (breathing slowly) I'll try.  
  
it's tradition, there's nothing I can do about it.  
  
Elsa -   
You and your hair, it's so pathetic.  
  
BUFFY: Look Will, random insults!  
WILLOW: (halfheartedly) Yay.  
BUFFY: Your eyes are crooked, it's so pathetic.  
XANDER: You have a slight overbite, it's so pathetic.  
SPIKE: Your breasts are small, it's so pathetic.  
WILLOW: Your nose is... um, pointy, it's so pathetic.  
XANDER: See? It's not so bad. One joke at a time, Will, one joke at a time.  
  
Helen -   
You can leave now.  
  
ALL: Yay! (then) Oh...  
WILLOW: (sadly) She wasn't talking to us.  
  
Elsa -   
So very pathetic...  
  
she says while shutting the door. Helen gets in bed and shuts the lights out.  
  
BUFFY: ...with a custom-made light shutter-outer...  
SPIKE: Speaking of pathetic...  
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.  
  
INT. - Helens bedroom --- Helen is just waking up. She feels her crown on her head and begins to take it off, bunches of her hair come off with it. She starts to freak out and runs to the mirror and sees the word "SOON" written in bold letters on it and she screams loudly and smashes the mirror.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) Drat! It's those same bold letters again. Die, letters, die!  
  
INT. - Julies house --- Julie picks up a ringing telephone.  
  
BUFFY: Better than picking up a silent one.  
  
Julie -   
Hello?  
  
short pause.  
  
Julie -   
Oh my god.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...someone called me a bimbo?  
  
She runs out of the house and jumops in her car and takes off.  
  
ALL: O_O  
WILLOW: Um...  
OTHERS: (hold their breath, waiting to see if she's finally going to break permanently)  
WILLOW: She shouldn't do that. It sounds painful.  
OTHERS: (breathe a sigh of relief)  
  
In the car she hears a noise coming from the back seat, there is nothing there, she stops the car and opens the trunk and sees the rotting corpse of Max being eaten by crabs, he is wearing Barrys jacket. She screams and slams the trunk thinking what to do and then takes off running.  
  
INT. - Helens bedroom --- Barry is comforting Helen after her hellish ordeal. Julie runs in the room.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) If it isn't miss I-Always-Have-To-Be-The-Center-Of-Attention.  
BUFFY: (as Julie) I just go by Julie these days, you should try it, miss I'm-A-Big-Baby-'Cause-Someone-Chopped-Off-My-Hair-During-The Night.  
  
EXT. - Julies car --- Barry, Helen and Julie are walking towards the car.  
  
Barry -   
Are you sure he was dead?  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie, smacks her head) Oh darn, you know what? I totally forgot to check. You know, between the crabs all over him, and the decaying, rotting state of his flesh... I just completely spaced it out. Sorry.  
  
Julie -   
Don't ask me that again, he was dead okay? I saw him with these... with these crabs.  
  
XANDER: (as Barry) Max has crabs?  
  
Julie passes the keys to Barry.  
  
Julie -   
You do it.  
  
XANDER: (as Barry) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.  
BUFFY: (as Julie) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.  
WILLOW: (as Barry) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.  
SPIKE: I'm not gonna say it.  
  
Barry opens the trunk and sees that it is empty and very clean looking. Julie is upset.  
  
Julie -   
No don't, don't even,  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Do odd.  
  
he was there god dammit and he was wearing your jacket Barry.  
  
Barry -   
Where'd he go? Did the crabs carry him away?  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yes.  
  
Julie -   
I swear to God.  
  
BUFFY: Random swearing?  
WILLOW: Looks like it.  
XANDER: She shouldn't swear.  
  
Helen -   
I believe you Julie.  
  
SPIKE: (as Helen) Pay no attention to the condescension in my voice, you're just hearing things  
  
Julie -   
He took the body, he came and he took the body.  
  
Barry -   
Why would he do that?  
  
Julie -   
I don't know Barry okay?  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Well, ok, but um, how can you not know Barry? He's the guy you're yelling at.  
  
Why would he try to run you over? Why'd he make coleslaw in Helens head?  
  
XANDER: Wait. When did that happen? Where were we?  
BUFFY: I hear cole slaw is great for dry hair.  
WILLOW: (nods) So is macaroni salad.  
  
He's fucking with us.   
  
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)  
WILLOW: (to Spike) Why don't you not?  
SPIKE: Prude.  
WILLOW: Pervert.  
  
Barry -   
Come on Julie let's go back to the house?  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Ok, let's do that?  
BUFFY: (as Helen) Sounds good to me?  
WILLOW: (as Barry) Cool, let's go?  
  
Julie -   
Where's your jacket Barry?  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) Why? I'm not cold. It's sweet of you to be concerned though.  
  
Don't you see?  
  
WILLOW: Ok, has she just completely given up on sense? Random sentences are all well and good, not to mention fun, but there's only so far one should take it.  
XANDER: (to Willow) She passed that line?  
WILLOW: Oh yeah, about two lines into the movie.  
  
He's got us now, okay this is exactly what he wants, we can't go to the police,  
  
SPIKE: Why not?  
  
not now, he's made sure of that.  
  
SPIKE: How? What the hell is she on about?  
  
He's just out there and he's watching us and waiting.  
  
She turns and looks around and starts screaming...  
  
ALL: AHHHHHH!  
WILLOW: Ok, this girl screams way too much.  
XANDER: (sarcastically) Ya think?  
  
Julie -   
What are you waiting for huh? What are you waiting for????  
  
BUFFY: (as killer) You to shut up.  
  
EXT. - Helens house --- The three are walking towards the house and Ray is walking towards them.  
  
Julie -   
What are you doing here?  
  
Ray -   
I've been looking everywhere for you guys.  
  
  
Barry -   
You're gonna die.  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Well, yeah, someday, thanks for reminding me.  
  
Barry walks up and punches Ray in the face with his fist which is still in a cast.  
  
WILLOW: Still?  
BUFFY: His hand's in a cast?  
WILLOW: Thanks for telling *us*, the reader.  
  
Julie -   
Hey, hey stop it.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) You're supposed to fight over *me*!  
  
Ray -   
What are you going?  
  
XANDER: When are you stealing?  
BUFFY: Why are you doing?  
WILLOW: Who are you going?  
SPIKE: You guys have some serious problems.  
  
Julie -   
Stop it.  
  
Ray -   
I didn't do anything.  
  
Barry -   
You're fucking lying. He's lying.  
  
XANDER: What the heck are they talking about? They're mocking themselves... they're doing our job for us.  
SPIKE: Good.  
  
Julie -   
Leave him alone Barry, get a grip.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Like, what's your problem? Dysfunctional much?  
  
Barry -   
No wake up Julie, he's behind this. How many fucked up fishermen are out there?  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie, thinking) Umm... ten? Are there ten? Did I get it right? What do I win?  
SPIKE: (as Barry, snickers) You get to suck on my--  
WILLOW: (turning to Spike) Why are you so perverted?  
SPIKE: 'Cause it's fun?  
WILLOW: Maybe for you.  
SPIKE: Does anyone else matter?  
WILLOW: Apparently not.  
  
Ray -   
Look, he's after me too. I got a letter.  
  
XANDER: Ooo, a letter! How scary!  
  
Barry -   
Oh you got a letter? I got run over. Helen gets her hair chopped off. Julie gets a body in a trunk and you get a letter?? That's balanced?  
  
ALL: No.  
  
Ray -   
What body? What are you talking about?  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) Just Max. He's dead, no biggie.  
  
Barry -   
Drop the act. You killed Max, you took my jacket.  
  
WILLOW: Ok, in Barry's mind, which offense is worse?  
OTHERS: The jacket.  
SPIKE: Understandable. Anyone took my duster I'd have to kill 'em.  
BUFFY: Darn, too bad you're unable to inflict harm on others... sucks for you.  
XANDER: (chuckles) Actually, there's no sucking involved with Spike anymore.  
WILLOW: (chiding) Guys, don't be rude.  
  
Ray -   
Max is dead?  
  
XANDER: What? When did this happen? Where were we?  
WILLOW: Right there every step of the way, unfortunately.  
XANDER: Oh, yeah.  
  
Barry -   
What is it with you Ray? You were dogging us from the start  
  
XANDER: Arf!  
  
weren't you? Always wanting to be our friend, always wanting to be one of us but you were too fucking jealous to handle it  
  
WILLOW: The dish ran away with the spoon, and the period ran away from the words.  
  
Ray -   
Fuck you!  
  
WILLOW: (offended) Sorry, geez.  
  
Julie -   
Stop it! Look, we have to stick togeather alright?  
  
XANDER: You do that... stick togeather, we'll stick together over here.  
  
We have to help each other.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...otherwise we'll *never* learn how to spell.  
  
Barry -   
Okay so if it's not fisherboy here then who is it and how do we find him?  
  
Julie -   
We think his name is Billy Blue.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) But we're idiots, so we're not sure.  
  
Ray -   
How do you know that?  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) 'Cause when we walk down the street, people yell, 'Hey, idiots!'  
  
Helen -   
Missy, said there was a friend named Billy Blue.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) But then again, she also said the walls told her to leave popcorn for the mice living in the tiny huts in the woods behind her house, so we're kinda iffy on the whole Billy Blue thing.  
  
Julie -   
Who probably went to school with David Egan  
  
ALL: Who?  
  
so according to sis that would make him class of '92.  
  
Helen -   
Elsa was class of '92. Maybe there's something in her yearbook.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) We're so smart when we're deducting stuff.  
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's deducing, you stupid-head.  
  
INT. - Helens bedroom --- They are all looking through the yearbook at David Egans picture.  
  
Ray -   
So that's him huh?  
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) He's so cute! If he was still alive, I'd do him.  
SPIKE: (looks at the others) She gets away with it, but I get bitched at?  
WILLOW: Yes.  
XANDER: Yes.  
BUFFY: (sticks her tongue out at Spike) Ha ha.  
SPIKE: (growls at Buffy) Eat me.  
  
Hard to believe that's the guy.  
  
Barry -   
Yeah his face isn't splattered all over the road dumbass.  
  
XANDER: You know, I'm not sure, but I think Barry has a little aggression that he needs to work out.  
WILLOW: (agreeing) He has issues.  
  
Maybe Blue's not his real name.  
  
Julie -   
That's right, he could have easily lied to Missy, we did.  
  
Helen -   
Maybe we should bring the yearbook to Missy, if she had it in front of her...  
  
Julie -   
...She could point him out.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) Well, actually, I was gonna say she could look at all the pretty pictures, but yours is good too.  
  
Ray -   
I'm not going anywhere. High school mugshots, what???  
  
BUFFY: Why???  
WILLOW: Who???  
XANDER: Huh???  
SPIKE: (silent)  
  
Julie -   
I'll go, you've got that parade today.  
  
WILLOW: Ray has a parade?  
SPIKE: Gay Pride.  
WILLOW: Cool. Barry should go with him.  
SPIKE: He's the Queen.  
  
Helen -   
Forget it.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) I don't wanna be there if Barry's going, he'll upstage me as the queen.  
  
Julie -   
No you need to be there in case he shows up.  
  
Helen -   
I don't want him to show up.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) What? You mean, you don't want him to show up and kill you? Well, damn it, ruin my fun!  
  
Julie -   
Helen this could be our chance, we could catch him. I'll go to Missys, Barry you go to the parade with Helen and don't let her out of your sight, if he shows up...  
  
XANDER: (as Barry, effiminately) I'll run like the dickens! I don't want to face this guy alone. (shudders) Scary!  
  
Barry -   
I'll pound his ass.  
  
ALL: (to Spike) Don't even think about it!  
SPIKE: Wasn't even gonna bother.  
WILLOW: See, you can do it.  
SPIKE: Well, and often.  
WILLOW: (snorts with laughter) That was terrible, Spike.  
SPIKE: (shrugs, leans over) Maybe, but it's also true.  
BUFFY: (yanks Spike away from Willow) You wanna quit bothering Willow?  
SPIKE: (snickers) Who says she's bothered in any way other than hot and bothered?  
XANDER: Ok, pal, that's enough. (stands up angrily) Keep your snide, perverted comments to yourself. At least until we get out of here.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Spike jumped up as well, sick of the whole situation. "Back off, you blasted moron."  
  
Willow sighed heavily. "Xander, I'm not two years old, I can take care of myself." She turned to Spike with an even heavier sigh. "Spike, will you just knock it off until we're free? It's obvious that you don't like us, and the feeling's pretty much mutual, so let's just get through this, ok?"  
  
Spike lit a cigarette and stretched his neck until it cracked. "Whatever." He moved away from the three of them, and sat in the white chair across the room. "Blood," he said, waiting until the green light deposited his meal on the floor in front of him. Smoke swirled around him as he drank the mug of human blood, savoring the taste for what was most likely the last time in a long time.  
  
Buffy got to her feet, glaring at him, trying to kill him with sheer willpower. "I don't even know why you're still alive. You can probably thank Giles for that."  
  
Spike ignored her, she annoyed him too much to pay her any mind. Isntead, he watched Willow bend and stretch and groan as a particularly tight muscle was strained almost beyond the breaking point. He didn't hide his leer at seeing her body bend in almost impossible positions, but he probably should have. Buffy suddenly appeared in front of him, hands on hips, and a furious frown on her lips.  
  
She tossed a look behind her at Willow and Xander who were talking quietly by the almost completely-formed door, and who were oblivious to the two of them. "Touch her, ever, and you'll occupy less space than a bread crumb. I mean it," she whispered, "I've threatened you before, and never done anything about it, but when it comes to my friends and my family, I'm prepared to back up my words with actions, and then some. Got it?"  
  
Spike shrugged. She glared some more, pissing him off even more than he already was, which was no easy feat. He waved her away with his hand, pretending she hadn't affected him in the slightest. "You can go now, Slayer."  
  
She tossed him one last glare, turned on her heel and walked away, joining Xander and Willow. Spike downed the last of the blood and sat down in the chair by the door. The others sat down a few minutes later.  
  
  
A/N: End chapter three. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________ 


	4. I Know What They Parodied Last Summer (p...

I Know What They Parodied Last Summer  
  
an MST3K of  
  
I Know What You Did Last Summer  
  
by sinecure  
  
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P  
  
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.  
  
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
  
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Ray -   
Listen to yourselves, you sound like a bunch of vigulanties.  
  
WILLOW: (laughs) His spell checker probaly broke from overuse.  
XANDER: Or underuse.  
  
Julie -   
It's july 4th Ray. Okay? This is his day. Whatever he's planned in going to happend today unless we stop him.  
  
WILLOW: And right away we're faced with typo after typo.  
  
Ray -   
Come on Julie, don't you see? It's that moment where we have to make a decision, let's make the right one this time.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) You mean killing that guy and dumping his body *wasn't* the right decision? Well, damn, now I'm gonna have guilt and stuff.  
  
Julie -   
I'm not interested in what's right anymore Ray I wanna do what's smart.  
  
BUFFY: You go, girl. You're a rebel and you know it.  
  
Ray - Then let's get the hell out of here, we can leave town, disapear.  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Well, not literally, 'cause that's impossible, but, you know, figuratively speaking.  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Ooo! Ray! You used big words, you're so smart.  
  
Julie -   
I've already disapeared, okay?  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) See? Poof! You can't see me anymore.  
XANDER: (as Ray) Yes I can.  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Me too.  
BUFFY: (as Julie, pouting) Drat.  
  
Now I want my life back. Look we have to face this, what's it gonna be Ray?  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yes, or no? What's it gonna be, boy? Yes? Or no?  
XANDER: Paradise By the Dashboard Light, excellent choice.  
WILLOW: (grins) I thought so too.  
SPIKE: (starts to say something, then falls silent with a shake of his head) Nevermind.  
BUFFY: (watching him closely) Good restraint, Spike, I knew you could do it.  
WILLOW: What's wrong with you two?  
BUFFY: (shrugs) Nothing. Back to the script, we're almost done.  
  
EXT. - The parade --- Helen is riding the float and Barry is sitting on the side. Both of them are looking all over the place for the man in the slicker. Helen sees a man in a black slicker and yells to Barry.  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) You suck, Barry!  
BUFFY: (as Barry) Huh? What'd I do?  
  
Helen -   
Barry. Barry! Over there.!  
  
Barry looks over and sees the man in the slicker walking away. Barry chases him screaming at people to move and get out of the way untill he finally tackles the man to the ground and removes the hat. It's an old man who looks like Barry has given him a heartattack.  
  
WILLOW: (as old man) You have given me a heart attack.  
  
Barry -   
Shit! Where the hell is he?  
  
WILLOW: (as old man) Little help here?  
  
EXT. - Missys house - Julie is just pulling into the driveway. she gets out and knocks on the door.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Hello? Missy? Are you in my car? Hello?  
  
Julie -   
Missy???? Hello????  
  
BUFFY: Wow. I'm sensing a lot of curiosity from that girl.  
XANDER: Punctuation ho!  
WILLOW: There are enough question marks for eight questions... she's greedy. (looks at Spike) You're awfully silent.  
SPIKE: (glares at her)  
WILLOW: Well excuse me.  
  
She starts to walk around the house to look for Missy when she sees Missy coming at her with a knife.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Great timing! I have a piece of toast that needs buttered, can I borrow that...?  
  
Julie -   
Please! Missy? Missy do you remember me from the other day? You know the car trouble?  
  
WILLOW: Is Missy suddenly two years and old suffering from short term memory loss?  
  
Missy -   
What are you doing here?  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Um, I need some toast buttered...?  
  
EXT. - The parade --- Helen is on her float looking around trying to find Barry, she looks up and sees a man standing on a building looking at her, he is wearing a slicker and he pulls his big hook,  
  
WILLOW: He pulls his big hook? (looks over at Spike) And still you stay silent. You ok?  
SPIKE: (drops his cigarette to the floor and steps on it) Peachy. (glares at Buffy)  
WILLOW: (looks at Buffy as well) Buffy?  
BUFFY: (shrugs innocently) Don't look at me.  
XANDER: Oh who cares? It's just Spike. Evil vampire, remember?  
  
it's the killer. Helen is scared.  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) I am scared.  
  
EXT. - Missys house --- Missy and Julie are talking out by an old shed. Missy is cutting up some rotten looking fish.  
  
Julie - Please we need to talk. I need to find your brothers friend Billy Blue, I need to talk to him and I was thinking that maybe you could look through this yearbook?  
  
WILLOW: (as Missy) Ooo! Pretty pictures!  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Uh-huh! Or, high school mugshots.  
  
Missy -   
Now what's this all about?  
  
Julie -   
Well it's too crazy to explain but it has to do with your brother and last july 4th.  
  
XANDER: (as Missy) Wow, that is crazy!  
  
Missy -   
What about it?  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) I can't tell you, it's too crazy!  
  
Julie -   
What happened to your brother wasn't an acident, there's more to it than that.  
  
XANDER: (as Missy) And it's crazy!  
  
Missy -   
I know.  
  
Julie -   
You know what?  
  
Missy -   
Well he killed himself.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Exactly-- wait, what?  
  
Julie -   
He what?  
  
Missy -   
Yeah he went up there to die that night that's where Susie died. See the whole town blammed him for her death so he blammed himself.  
  
WILLOW: (laughing) The whole town blammed him... does that make him a slut?  
SPIKE: (silent)  
WILLOW: (to Buffy) You broke him! He's not even making yucky jokes anymore.  
BUFFY: Good.  
WILLOW: But... what'd you do? And why? I mean, duh, obviously 'cause of the yuck-ness, but, why?  
BUFFY: Because of the reason you just gave. Does it matter?  
WILLOW: Well, if you did it for the right reasons, no, but if you did it for the wrong reasons, yes.  
XANDER: (sighs) Again, who cares? He's not a person.  
WILLOW: But, he has feelings. You wouldn't kick a puppy would you?  
SPIKE: (getting angrier) Stop trying to help me! It doesn't matter. Let's just get through this, and then I can get the hell away from you all. For good.  
BUFFY/XANDER: Agreed.  
WILLOW: (sighs, grumbling) That's the last time I try to help out.  
SPIKE: Good.  
  
Julie -   
But how do you know it was a suicide?  
  
Missy -   
He left a note.  
  
Missy walks over to the decaying tool shed and gets out the note.  
  
Missy -   
I had to keep this hidden from the insurance company cause they wouldn't pay me the money if it was suicide. That don't much matter anymore cause the money's been spent. That's it.  
  
She passes the note to Julie which says "I WILL NEVER FORGET LAST SUMMER".  
  
Julie -   
This isn't a suicide note. This is a death threat.  
  
Missy -   
What are you... What are you talking about?  
  
Julie -   
Your brother didn't kill himself Missy,  
  
XANDER: (as Missy) Damn! He's still alive?  
  
I saw him,  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) ...as I ran into him and sprayed his guts all over my car. Oops. Sorry.  
  
I was there and whoever sent this was there too.  
  
Missy -   
What do you mean you saw him? Where? Where did you see him?  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) When? When did you see him? How? What did he say? Who are you? Where am I?  
  
Julie -   
He was crossing the road, we hit him, it was an accident.  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) We killed your brother. He died. I am a robot.  
  
Missy -   
No! My brother drowned.  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) I have daydreams of him drowning, he has to have drowned!  
  
Julie -   
I saw him, he has Susie tattooed on his arm.  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Well, he did last year. His skin's probably falling off now though. And sort of rotted. Plus, the bloating from when we dumped him in the water...  
  
Missy -   
Tattoo? He doesn't have a tattoo on his arm.  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) It's on his butt.  
  
Julie -   
I saw it on his right forearm.  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) I told you, it's on his butt!  
  
Missy is getting upset at what Julie is saying.  
  
BUFFY: (as Missy) How dare she say he has a tattoo on his arm! It's on his butt, it's on his butt, it's on his butt!  
  
Missy -   
You didn't seeanything, get out of here. Get out of my house.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Nope, you're right, I didn't seeanything. May have seen something though.  
XANDER: (as Julie) Um, I'm not *in* your house. I'm in your yard. There's a difference.  
  
Missy puts the letter away and disapears.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie, gasps) Where'd she go?!  
  
Julie -   
Oh my god, it wasn't your brother.  
  
INT. - Croaker Queen stage --- The crew is setting the stage up getting ready for the event. Barry and Helen are backstage, she is upset at having just seen the killer.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) I am upset at having just seen the killer.  
  
Barry is trying to comfort her.  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) There, there.  
BUFFY: (glares at Spike)  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)  
WILLOW: (frowns at them)  
XANDER: (sighs)  
  
Barry -   
Stay calm. I'll be up in the balcony.  
  
Helen -   
He had a hook Barry. I saw it, it was a big huge hook.  
  
SPIKE: (as Barry) ... Ok.  
  
Barry -   
Everything's gonna be alright. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.  
  
XANDER: (as Barry) For I am... Big Huge Hook Reflecting Man!  
  
Cut to --- A little while later --- The contest has started. Everyone is on stage.  
  
BUFFY: (as MC) Everyone, everyone please get off the stage. Only the contestants should be up here.  
  
MC -   
Very nicley done ladies. And now let's meet last years winner, Miss Helen Shivers.  
  
Helen walks out to a cheering crowd, she looks up in the balcony focusing on Barry. A girl is very horribly singing a very horrible song.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen, miffed) She stole my talent... the bitch!  
  
Helen laughs and looks up at Barry who is also laughing. She looks back at the girl then back up at Barry to see the killer coming up behind him and pulls him back. Helen goes crazy,  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) The cheese stole the moon! Ahh! Red bandages slide slowly over trees!  
  
she starts screaming and running towards the balcony but the crowd is in an uproar and she can't get through. A cop stops her. And the killer is slashing Barry to death with his hook.  
  
Helen -   
HELP HIM. PLEASE. BARRY!!!  
  
BUFFY: (as Barry) Um, honey, I'd love to help you, but at the moment I'm getting gutted with a hook. Perhaps you could help me.  
  
Cop -   
Excuse me. What's the problem??  
  
Helen -   
Help him he's gonna kill him.  
  
WILLOW: Eh? Pronouns, Helen. Pronouns.  
  
Cop -   
Who's killing who?  
  
WILLOW: Exactly. (to the cop) Thank you.  
  
Helen -   
Up in the balcony.  
  
XANDER: Up In The Balcony is killing people? Oh my God!  
  
Cop -   
Okay everybody stay calm.  
  
BUFFY: (as cop) Nothing to see here, just a guy getting killed in the balcony, calm down.  
  
Helen -   
Get off of me!  
  
WILLOW: When did he get on her?  
SPIKE: My question as well.  
  
There is a lot of commotion going on and everyone is talking over each other. Helen follows the cop up into the balcony.  
  
Cop -   
Mame stay behind me okay?  
  
WILLOW: Where did Auntie Mame come from?  
  
They look around but find no one or no trace that anyone had ever been there.  
  
BUFFY: Apparently, by brilliant deduction, the cop was able to search the entire balcony for fingerprints and DNA to find no trace of anyone ever having been there... wow. I wanna be him.  
  
Cop -   
There's nobody up here. I gotta tell ya, this is really not my idea of a funny joke.  
  
Helen -   
He was here.  
  
XANDER: (as cop) Who was where?  
  
Cop -   
Who? Who was here?  
  
XANDER: Hey! Line stealer.  
  
Helen -   
The fisherman, he killed Barry.  
  
BUFFY: (as cop) The Gorton's Fisherman killed Barry?  
  
Cop -   
Barry who? Who are we talking about? There's nobody up here, come on let's go back downstairs, come one, come on, there's nobody up here.  
  
As they are walking dowstairs they don't see the blood dripping from the edge of the balcony.  
  
After the Croaker queen contest Helen is still sitting there looking at the floor. Almost everyone has left, the cop comes up to her.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Don't bother me, I'm staring at the floor.  
  
Cop -   
Mame, I'm gonna take you home, your parents are really worried about you.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) What about me? You gonna take me home too?  
  
Helen -   
You have to believe me.  
  
Cop -   
Why don't you let me take you home okay?  
  
She gets up to leave with him and the MC grabs at her crown.  
  
MC -   
Excuse me, we'll be needing this.  
  
BUFFY: Rude much?  
  
INT. - Julies house --- Julie is on her computer looking for articles on Susie Willis.  
  
EXT. - Police car --- Cop is driving Helen home.  
  
XANDER: Rapid scene change! Ahh! Where are we? Where are we?  
  
Cop -   
So then he killed him with a fish hook?  
  
XANDER: Um, Barry was killed by one of those small hooks that goes on a fishing pole? Wouldn't that take forever?  
  
Helen -   
Yes.  
  
XANDER: (to Helen) Thanks.  
  
Cop -   
Did this fisherman guy use the same hook to cut all your hair off?  
  
Helen -   
No, he used scissors asshole. Look, okay I know I sound delusional but it's true.  
  
XANDER: It's true that she's delusional?  
BUFFY: Definitely. But I don't think that's what she meant.  
  
Cop -   
Yeah I've heard this story before except the way I heard it it wasn't a fisherman, it was an escaped mental patient and he had a hook for a hand. We're gonna have to take the alley.  
  
BUFFY: What? Huh?  
XANDER: Random sentences.  
BUFFY: Oh, right. Um... oh. He gutted her like a fish. I need a new backpack.  
XANDER: Death awaits you all. We're having pizza for dinner.  
WILLOW: (silent)  
SPIKE: (silent)  
XANDER: Party poopers.  
  
Helen -   
Look, you little shitstick mayberry ass regect,  
  
WILLOW: (laughs hysterically)  
SPIKE: (snickers)  
  
there's been a murder and you're gonna fry in hell if you ignore it.  
  
Cop -   
Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do, okay I'll contact Barry's parents and put out a search for him alright? He was probably just playing a prank on you.  
  
BUFFY: (as cop) He payed someone to dress up as a fisherman and kill him, isn't that funny? Ha ha.  
XANDER: (as Helen) Oh you're right! It is!  
  
The cop sees a man standing under the hood of his car.  
  
XANDER: (as cop) Hey, you! Get out from under my car hood!  
  
Cop -   
Oh jesus, listen I'm just gonna be a minute alright,  
  
XANDER: (as the cop) I've really gotta pee.  
  
I'm gonna see if this guy needs help.  
  
XANDER: (as cop) ...peeing.  
  
He gets out of the car and walks over to the man. Helen can tell who it is.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Oh my God! It's the Michelin Tire Guy! Ruuuuuuun!  
  
Helen -   
That's him.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) That's the guy who killed Barry! It was the Michelin Tire Guy this whole time! How could I have missed those beady eyes... that big white gut?  
  
Cop -   
What's the trouble?  
  
Helen starts yelling to the cop.  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) Hey, stupid! You're a jerk! You suck!  
SPIKE: (as cop) You should be so lucky!  
WILLOW: (as Helen) In your dreams!  
SPIKE: (as cop) You know you want me--  
XANDER: I hate to interrupt your little love-fest here, but can we get back to the story?  
BUFFY: (warningly) Yes, we can.  
WILLOW: I was doing the story.  
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter, obviously in a better mood) Would you like some time alone with the story?  
WILLOW: (laughs) Yes, please.  
BUFFY: I warned you, Spike! Stop--  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Willow stood up, positive she'd missed something. She stared at Buffy, frowning. "What did you warn him about?"  
  
Spike stood up along with the others, enjoying the tension he'd created between the friends. "She warned me to stay away from you. Warned me to be a good little boy. Warned me to--"  
  
"To shut up," Buffy interrupted.  
  
Spike saluted Buffy. "Yes, ma'am! Shutting up, ma'am!" Rolling his eyes, he took his seat again, watching the others with relish.  
  
Willow's frown deepened even more. "Why would you do that? He can't hurt me, right? Chipped and all?"  
  
Xander snorted in amusement. "On the nose."  
  
Spike snarled at the boy, pissed that he was considered nothing more than an annoyance to them. "You know, I could possibly withstand the pain of the chip just to do you some damage, Harris."  
  
Willow sighed, turning to him. "Hello, I'm trying to tell Buffy how you're not going to hurt me, and you're over there threatening Xander?"  
  
"Listen, Red, if I *could* hurt you, I would. The only thing keeping you alive, keeping all of you alive, is this... blasted... chip!" He strode away, turned around and came back. "Enough with this bullshit, let's just finish this damn thing, and get the hell out of here."  
  
"Fine!" Willow sat down, crossing her arms over her chest and staring straight ahead.  
  
"Great," Buffy agreed, sitting down as well.  
  
Xander shrugged and took a seat. "When we get out of here, I think we need to talk," he told Buffy. "Things are screwed up between us, and--"  
  
Spike dropped into the remaining chair, cutting Xander off. "No more touchy feely crap, finish it! Christ, I wish I'd never started this whole thing."  
  
"What whole thing?" Willow asked. "You've been kind of quiet for a while, something wrong?"  
  
Spike stared at her for a second, then moved on to staring at Xander and Buffy. They were looking at him with confusion, but all the hostility was gone. "This thing about..." realizing his wish had been granted, he shrugged. "Nevermind, just thinking aloud." Oddly enough, his own anger had faded as well, and he was in a relatively good mood again.  
  
"Cool." Buffy grabbed the script and tossed it on his lap. "We're almost done, Blood Boy, so stop dawdling and let's go."  
  
"Yes, ma'am."  
  
  
A/N: End chapter four. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________ 


	5. I Know What They Parodied Last Summer (p...

I Know What They Parodied Last Summer  
  
an MST3K of  
  
I Know What You Did Last Summer  
  
by sinecure  
  
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P  
  
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.  
  
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.  
  
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Helen -   
That's him, behind you, BEHIND YOU!  
  
WILLOW: (as Helen) The clown is behind you! Run!  
XANDER: (shudders)  
WILLOW: (pats Xander's knee) Sorry. I forgot your clown fear.  
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)  
  
The cops  
  
BUFFY: Hey, where did the multiple cops come from? Last I saw, there was only the one doofus.  
  
turns back to the man who then sticks his hook in the cops stomach, bloods runs from the cops mouth.  
  
SPIKE: The cop has multiple bloods?  
WILLOW: Somebody was plural happy.  
  
Helen screams, she tries to get out but she is in the back which is locked from the outside, the killer starts coming towards the car, she kicks the glass out of the window and crawls out and starts running, he is following her.  
  
BUFFY: Well of course he's following her. What kind of a killer would he be if he gave up that easily?  
XANDER: (in awe) Wow. She must have some hellacious muscles to kick out a car window.  
SPIKE: (also in awe) Just think of what she could do with those muscles...  
WILLOW/BUFFY: (roll their eyes)  
WILLOW: And, you do realize she's a fictional character in a fictional movie, right?  
BUFFY: (laughs) They're too far gone, Will.  
  
INT. - Julies House --- Julie is still looking at articles about Susie Willis on the internet. She is reading outloud.  
  
WILLOW: (snorts) How damn slow does she read?  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Susie Willis... d-- di-- died. Susie Willis died o- on... um, Susie Willis died on J-- Ju-- unh! Julie? No... um, July! July f-- five? Fiveth? Dang it! Um, Fifth... July fifth! Ahem. Susie Willis di-- (moans) This is gonna take forever!  
  
Julie -   
Susie Willis killed, trapped in car, driver unharmed, survived by her father, Benjamin, a local fisherman.  
  
With that, Julie runs out the door.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) An eligible man!  
  
EXT. - On the streets --- the killer is still chasing Helen, she see the store that her family owns,  
  
XANDER: (laughs) She see the store?  
WILLOW: Plural happy no more. Now he's being stingy with the s's.  
  
Elsa is inside closing up for the night. Helen runs towards the store screaming for Elsa.  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) Put the perfume on sale! Put the perfume on sale!  
  
Helen -   
ELSA, ELSA, OPEN THE DOOR, ELSA, OPEN THE DOOR, PLEASE, JESUS CHRIST HURRY.  
  
Elsa is slow in getting to the door, she finishes putting plastic over some items and then goes to get the keys.  
  
SPIKE: (as Elsa) Jeez, just a second, these items are more important than you. When that killer gets in here and kills you, I don't want any blood on the merchandise. You are so selfish.  
  
Helen -   
ELSA WHAT ARE YOU GOING?  
  
XANDER: Where are you singing?  
BUFFY: Why are you doing?  
WILLOW: How are you sleeping?  
SPIKE: When are you killing?  
  
ELSA, PLEASE, OPEN THE DOOR, JESUS CHRIST NOW!  
  
Elsa -   
I'm coming  
  
SPIKE: Already?  
WILLOW: Elsa doesn't have a period.  
SPIKE: And that makes her come faster?  
WILLOW: (blushing) That's not what I meant, Mr. Two Track Mind.  
  
Helen -   
ELSA, ELSA, PLEASE.  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) ...please let me make balloon figures!  
  
Elsa finally opens the door, Helen runs in and slams the door behind her.  
  
Elsa -   
You could have walked around the Arch Tree entrance it's open.  
  
Helen -   
I'm being attacked.  
  
XANDER: (as Elsa) You are? Well, why didn't you say so? I wouldn't have opened the door at all. Could've been rid of you for good. Crap!  
  
Elsa -   
You're what?  
  
WILLOW: (as Elsa) ...ten? Eleven years old now? Can't you run from serial killers on your own yet? You are so immature.  
  
They look outside and see no one.  
  
WILLOW: (as Elsa) I see no one.  
BUFFY: (as Helen) I, too, see no one.  
SPIKE: (as killer) Boo!  
WILLOW: (as Elsa) I see someone.  
BUFFY: (as Helen) I, too, see someone.  
SPIKE: (as killer) You two are boring. I'm going to go kill someone more interesting.  
  
Helen -   
Lock the other door, I'll call the police.  
  
Elsa -   
What is going on?  
  
XANDER: (as Helen) Well, to date, I've helped murder a man who turned out not to be dead at the time, but then later did die because we dumped his body into the water and left him there. Then, just recently, when Julie came back, the guy turns up not-dead, and starts torturing us with letters and hair cuts!  
OTHERS: O_O  
XANDER: (takes a much-needed breath)  
  
Helen -   
Just do what I say god dammit.  
  
BUFFY: (as Helen) Yeah, just do what I say, God. Dammit, you're so stubborn.  
WILLOW: (to Buffy) I hear God never does what he's told.  
  
Helen runs upstairs to use the phone, Elsa goes to the back entrance to lock the door. The door is swinging shut just before she walks in, she begins to lock it when she sees a reflection in the door, she turns around to see the man in a slicker standing looking at her with his face covered, she can't move or speak. His reflection passes through her glasses and she screams as the large hook slashes her throat. Helen hears the scream and hangs up the phone slowly moving down the stairs.  
  
SPIKE: (as Helen) Screw Elsa, I'm out of here... never did like her much anyway.  
  
Helen -   
Elsa? Elsa? Elsa where are you?   
  
No response, she gets paranoid and tunrs around looking closley at a mannequin that is covered in plastic, it is very silent  
  
XANDER: Well, duh, mannequins are always silent... what with them being bits of inanimate plastic and all.  
WILLOW: I'm still stuck on how Helen 'tunrs' around looking 'closley' at it.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) Anyone ever tell you you're a little uptight with a side of anal?  
WILLOW: Um, not in those particular words, no.  
  
then all of the sudden he jumps out from under the plastic and tackles her to the ground, she escapes and runs up the stairs, she passes by the bathroom and sees Elsa dead laying on the floor, she screams and keeps running and hops onto an old hand operated elevator, the killer is following her, she gets on the elevator and starts pulling the rope, he can't get on it but he swings his hook at her legs, she finally gets up to the attic and the killer has used the stairs and is also up there, she runs over to the edge of a window, he comes for her, she jumps out landing in a dumpster full of wood and other garbage. In a daze she looks up to the window and sees the killer is gone. She takes off running down the street, through alleys to try and find someone who can help her, fireworks go off and she sees that the parade is still going on, she runs towards them and hears a noise, she turns around and there is nothing, she turns back towards the parade, the killer is standing behind her, he grabs her and throws her into a stack of tires and he slashes her to death.  
  
ALL: (silent... then...)  
WILLOW: Helen's dead?  
BUFFY: He killed her?  
XANDER: She's really dead?  
SPIKE: Yeah! Finally!  
WILLOW: (to Spike) A little respect here? She was our favorite character!  
SPIKE: (disbelieving) We hated her... she was a bimbo we made fun of throughout the whole movie.  
BUFFY: Exactly! Now who are we going to make fun of?  
XANDER: There *is* still Ray. And Julie.  
ALL: Ray!  
  
EXT. - On the streets --- Julie is looking for her friends and sees the boat Ray works on, she runs towards the boat.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Will *you* help me, Mr. Boat? I'm trouble, but good. Seems I'm being hunted by a maniacal killer. What should I do?  
SPIKE: (as boat) Kill yourself.  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Thanks! Splash! AHHHHhhhh.....  
OTHERS: (curious looks)  
WILLOW: That was me, as Julie, throwing myself into the water.  
OTHERS: Ah. (pause) Yay!  
  
Julie -   
Ray? Ray ? Ray?  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...of light? Of light ? Of light?  
  
Rays head pops up from below the boat.  
  
ALL: AHHH!  
XANDER: Where's the rest of him?!  
  
Ray-   
Julie, what are you doing here?  
  
XANDER: He's still talking! He's just a head! How does he do that?!  
WILLOW: (to Xander) Stop yelling. Calm down. He's not dead, he's just an unfortunate victim of bad wording.  
XANDER: Oh. Whew.  
  
Julie -   
We didn't kill David Egan,  
  
ALL: Who?  
BUFFY: Is that getting old, do you think?  
OTHERS: Yes.  
BUFFY: Cool.  
  
it was someone else on the road that night.  
  
Ray -   
What are you talking about?  
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) Someone else hit David Egan and then threw his body at our car to make it look like we hit him? Wow... that's brilliant.  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Um, no, Brain Death, we hit someone else.  
  
Julie -   
I think it was Susies father, Ben Willis, he's a fisherman.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) And he's single!  
XANDER: (as Ray) Ooo! Race you!  
  
Ray -   
But they found Davids body in the water.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Which means, yay, he's still alive, and available. Sorry, Ray, you're old news. He's killer-cool.  
SPIKE: (to Willow) Kind of like me.  
BUFFY: Kind of, like, not a turn on for humans.  
SPIKE: Kind of like Angel. He's killed more people than I have.  
BUFFY: (stares at him like he's an idiot) He's a hundred years older than you are.  
SPIKE: (gives her the same look) He's had his soul for a hundred years.  
XANDER: Guys, come on, we're so close to the end. No more fighting. Please.  
WILLOW: Yeah, please.  
BUFFY/SPIKE: (shrug)  
  
Julie -   
Yeah I know but I think Ben Willis killed David Egan.  
  
Ray -   
Wait a second. You think this Willis guy killed David then we killed him?  
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) We killed Willis who killed David who killed Max?  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Uh-huh!  
BUFFY: (as Ray) Cool... um, who did we kill again?  
  
Julie -   
Yeah but what if he didn't die Ray? What if he's still alive?  
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) What? I'm so confused... Bang!  
XANDER: Ray's head blew up?  
BUFFY: (nods)  
OTHERS: Cool.  
  
Ray -   
This is crazy. Come aboard. Come inside.  
  
SPIKE: Ray sure is bossy with his women. Next, he'll be telling them *when* to come... aboard.  
  
Julie -   
No we've gotta find Helen and Barry.  
  
Ray -   
We will, we will.  
  
XANDER: Way to sound sinister, Ray.  
WILLOW: Points for effort.  
  
He holds out his hand and she reaches for it and sees the name of his boat is "Billy Blue". She pulls her hand back.  
  
Julie -   
You. Oh my god it's you.  
  
SPIKE: (as Julie) You're the one who TP'd our house. Oh yeah, and you killed Max, Helen, and Barry.  
XANDER: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!  
WILLOW: You bastards!  
  
Ray -   
What are you talking about?  
  
BUFFY: Kenny. They're talking about Kenny... geez, get with it.  
  
Julie -   
Billy Blue. You went to Missys, your, your the friend, your the fisherman.  
  
She runs faster than she has ever ran in her life,  
  
SPIKE: And the transcriber knows this... how?  
  
Ray yells behind her.  
  
WILLOW: (as Ray) Stop running faster than you've ever run in your life!  
  
Ray -   
I can explain...Julie wait, Julie.  
  
He is running in back of her, she runs into a locked door.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Ow.  
  
Julie -   
Shit.  
  
XANDER: Is that her way of asking where the bathroom is?  
  
Ray -   
Wait.  
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) ...for it... wait for it.  
  
Julie -   
Stop it.  
  
BUFFY: (as Ray) Stopping it... stopping it...  
  
He keeps chasing her when all of the sudden an man sticks his arm out sending Ray to the ground. Julie screams.  
  
WILLOW: I hate when an man attacks people.  
  
Julie -   
Oh, oh please help me please.  
  
SPIKE: (laughs) Guess she's not gonna come aboard Ray's boat anymore.  
WILLOW: (chuckles)  
  
Man -   
East child.  
  
XANDER: (as man) Go east, child, you're not wanted here.  
  
Julie -   
Please I need to call the police.  
  
Ray starts to get up.  
  
Man -   
On the boat, inside, hurry.  
  
WILLOW/SPIKE: (snicker)  
BUFFY: You two are impossible.  
  
She runs onto the boat, the man leaves Ray on the ground and walks onto the boat too, he removes the anchor. Julie looks around and sees pictures of herslef and her three friends all over the place. The man walks in.  
  
XANDER: (as man, pleasantly) Hello, I'll be your killer tonight. May I interest you in some torture and carnage as well as a killing?  
  
Man -   
You in some kind of trouble child?  
  
Julie -   
Yes, yeah I'm in a lot of trouble.   
  
The man flips a silver medallion that says "I Love You".  
  
Man -   
That's a shame, being it's forth of july and all. Kids like you should be out having fun, drinking, partying, running people over, getting away with murder, things like that.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well, I was, and then this mean serial killer came and ruined all my fun! (pouts) Are you single?  
  
A shocked look comes over Julies face, what is going on?  
  
WILLOW: If the transcriber doesn't know, then there's no hope for us!  
  
Julie -   
You? Ben Willis?  
  
XANDER: (as Julie) Me Julie. Julie James. You no wifey?  
  
Man -   
Good, I see you've been doing your homework too.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) I try, but it hurts my brain. All that one plus one equals three stuff just confuses me.  
  
She runs out the door looking for somewhere to go. He follows her back and forth playing cat and mouse. Ray has gotten up, he is looking at the boat that has started drifting from shore. Julie finds a gun used to signal for help in case of emergancy,  
  
XANDER: It's called a 'flare gun'. Go on, Transcriber, you can use big, confusing words.  
  
he is steering the boat now and jives it sending the signal gun over the edge.  
  
BUFFY: (singing) J-J-J-J-J-Jive talkin'.  
  
They have a state-down then he comes after her.  
  
WILLOW: They had a Colorado?  
SPIKE: Apparently so. Then he came after her.  
WILLOW: The only considerate man in the world, and he turns out to be a serial killer... well she can always use him for sex.  
BUFFY: (laughs with shock) Will!  
  
She crawls down a cubbyhole below deck that is covered by a mesh grate, she pulls down on it from below as he is trying to pull it open with his hook. Ray is now climbing over the side of the boat and comes face to face with Ben.  
  
BUFFY: (as Ben) AHHHHHHH!  
WILLOW: (as Ray) AHHHHHHH!  
  
Ben -   
Welcome aboard Ray.  
  
WILLOW: (as Ray) Thanks, Ben, that's mighty nice of you. I'm going to have to ask you to stop trying to kill my ex-girlfriend though, so if you could drop the hook and step away from her, I'd be mighty happy.  
  
He moves his hook through the air tauntint Ray with it then starts swinging it at him.  
  
ALL: O_O  
WILLOW: (to Xander) I'm tauntint-ing you, Xander.  
XANDER: (in a momotone) Stop it, stop it, please stop it.  
  
Julie is below deck still looking for a way to get out, she clibs up a ladder and sees Ben and Ray fighting,  
  
BUFFY: I clib quite often.  
SPIKE: (leers) I'll bet you do.  
BUFFY: You know, it is absolutely amazing how you can make everything sound dirty.  
SPIKE: (shrugs modestly) It's a gift.  
  
she screams to Ray, he turns his head and Ben hits him with his hook which sends him flying off the voat into the water,  
  
WILLOW: He really shouldn't fly off voats... he could get hurt.  
  
he is dragging along underwater holding onto a net. Julie runs down below again, Ben is following her, she shuts the door and blocks it with a oil drum.  
  
Ben -   
Open the door Julie. You got no place to hide  
  
XANDER: (as Ben) ...except down there, and any of the other numerous little hidey holes on the boat.  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh! Ok, I'm coming out!  
  
She is looking for somewhere to go, she opens up a shut door,  
  
SPIKE: ...as you do.  
XANDER: (to Spike) You do? I open already open doors. Sometimes I shut closed doors, but I never open a shut door.  
  
it is hard to open so she uses her shirt,  
  
SPIKE: (to Willow) Oh, hey, Red, that door forming on the wall looks like it'll be hard to open, better give me your shirt to use. You too, Slayer.  
XANDER: (snorts in amusement)  
  
she gets it open and ice spills out, she crawls in and starts pushing more ice down so Ben can't get in. She breaks apart a crate filled with ice, the body of Helen comes falling down with the ice, Julie screams and moves over and feels something, she moves her hand and Barrys frozen face and underneath of it, she screams again. Ray has made his way back onto the boat. Ben opens a trap door and he is looking down at Julie who screams in terror. Ray is watching what Ben does, waiting for the right moment to pounce.  
  
WILLOW: (as Ray) Rowr! Pfft!  
XANDER: (as Crocodile Hunter) ...and once again, our fearless hunter seeks his prey... the mighty Hook Fisherman. Oh, crikey! He's about ready to pounce, watch as he uses effiminate sounds and sudden movements to bring the fisherman down...  
SPIKE: You're on your own again, Harris.  
BUFFY: Oh, yeah, definitely on your own.  
  
Ray then swings down a big hook attached to a rope which hits Ben in the face throwing him to the ground. Ray runs over and looks down at Julie.  
  
BUFFY: He's ogling her, is what he's doing.  
WILLOW: (as Ray) Hey, baby, what do you say we leave this joint behind and go somewhere private?  
  
Julie screams  
  
XANDER: She sees Ray, the non-killer of the two, and screams? His face must be frightening to behold.  
  
expecting it to be Ben.  
  
XANDER: Ah, ok, see she was expecting to see the killer, but when it turned out to be her beloved ex-boyfriend, she freaked.  
  
Ray -   
Come on Julie.  
  
SPIKE: (as usual, opens his mouth to comment)  
WILLOW: (shakes her head slightly) We know. You don't actually have to say it... everyone is thinking the same thing.  
  
Julie -   
Ray.  
  
He sticks his hand out and pulls her out of the ice pit. Ben jumps up, Julie screams, Ben knocks Ray to the ground.  
  
Ben -   
Happy fourth of july Julie.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Thank you! That's so sweet of you. You know, people with manners are hard to find these days.  
WILLOW: (as Ray) I know! I was just saying the same thing!  
  
Julie -   
Please, it was an accident.   
  
Ben -   
I know all about accidents and let me give you some advice, when you leave a man for dead, make sure he's really dead.  
  
He then sticks his hand up in the air which is holding the hook, he is ready to slash Julie with it when all of the sudden his hand gets caught in a rope, Ray sees this and hits something which pulls Ben up into the air and hand gets chopped off in the pully, he falls halfway down again and the rope catches which then sends him flying off into the cold ocean.  
  
ALL: O_O  
  
EXT. - Wharf --- Julie and Ray and a bunch of police and doctors are around. Ray and Julie are hugging. The ordeal is over.  
  
Julie -   
We never killed anyone, this whole year was fake.  
  
XANDER: (as Ray) Um, no. The year was actually filled with real people, and real events, honey, it was only the one minor fact of a dead body that didn't happen. You're stupid.  
  
Ray -   
I know. The guilt was killing me, I had to know who he was, that's why I went to see Missy. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I wanted you back, I couldn't lose you again. I love you Julie. No one gets me the way you do.  
  
Julie -   
I understand your pain.  
  
SPIKE: (as Ray) Really? You do?  
WILLOW: (as Julie) No. You're a complete moron to me.  
  
The sheriff walks over.  
  
BUFFY: ...does a dance for them, then leaves.  
  
Shreiff -   
Do you have any idea why this man would want you dead?  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) You mean, aside from us having run over him? Aside from the attempted drowning? No.  
  
Julie and Ray -   
None.  
  
They have dragged the ocean and are pulling up what they have found.  
  
Operator -   
Here it comes.  
  
XANDER: Let's have a round of applause for the Operator. The Operator everybody.  
OTHERS: Yay.  
  
All that is in the net is Bens hand with the hook still in it.  
  
SPIKE: (as sheriff) It's a keeper.  
  
Sheriff -   
Ah don't worry, the body will turn up, they usually do.  
  
SPIKE: (as sheriff) ...except when they don't.  
  
ONE YEAR LATER  
  
EXT. - Julies College --- People are walking around outside.  
  
WILLOW: (as random person) If I knew how to open a door, I'd go inside.  
  
INT. - Womens locker room --- Julie is on the phone with Ray.  
  
BUFFY: (as Julie) Um... Ray? Why are we on the phone? Shouldn't we stand on the floor instead?  
  
Julie -   
Yeah well I made the deans list. Thank you very much. I know I miss you too but I'm going to see you in a couple weeks, god I can not wait, I love New York. No of course I love you more....Yes I do, I love you and you know that but you know   
what? I've got to take a shower or I'm gonna be late.  
  
SPIKE: That was an extremely sickening conversation.  
XANDER: (shudders) I think I'm in insulin shock.  
  
Julies roommate Deb is outside the showers.  
  
WILLOW: ...peeking in at Julie, fantasizing about--  
BUFFY: Willow! Spike's definitely a bad influence on you.  
SPIKE: (laughs)  
  
Deb -   
Hey Julie you got some mail.  
  
WILLOW: (as Julie) Ooo! My Playgirl finally came. Gotta go, Ray!  
  
Julie -   
Oh thanks Deb.  
  
Back to the phone  
  
Julie -   
...A towel. Ray don't you start with me, you mister can ravage me in two weeks. Yes I love you too. Okay bye.  
  
She hangs up the phone and goes out to get her mail, a look of terror crosses her face, a plain envelope with her name written on it in bold letters. She looks around then opens the letter that says "KBR POOL PARTY" She smiles and goes back to the showers, walking through the steam she sees written on the   
shower door "I STILL KNOW". She looks around and sees nothing, she turns back to the shower door and something black jumps out at her.  
  
ALL: YAY! O_O YAY!  
  
THE END  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
All four of them jumped to their feet and dove at the door. Xander was the one who grabbed the doorknob and shoved the door open. A long white hall stretched to the left of them, and a small niche was to their right. Four doors lined the hall, two on each side. They cautiously approached them, having nowhere else to go.  
  
Each of them stopped in front of a door, pausing before taking that final step.  
  
"Well," Xander said nervously, "only one way to find out."  
  
"Yep," Willow agreed, making no move to open her door. "If there's a way out, it's behind one of these doors."  
  
Spike had no compunctions with opening his door. Neither did Buffy.  
  
"Bedroom," Buffy told them, shoving her door all the way open for them to see. They turned to Spike, hope fading the tiniest bit.  
  
"Bedroom." He, too, pushed his door open completely. Now all that was left was Xander and Willow's doors. Without further suspense, they shared a shrug and shoved them open.  
  
"Bedroom," they said together.  
  
"Bloody f'in christ," Spike swore, fury practically rolling off of him in waves, "I'm stuck here. I'm stuck in a makeshift house with three *kids* I can't stand." His furious eyes turned to Xander, causing him to shrink back against the wall. "You're the reason we're here, you stupid--"  
  
Buffy rushed Spike before he could make a move against any of them, while Willow grabbed Xander's arm, yanking him out of harm's way.  
  
"Touch him, or any of us, Spike, the chip goes off, and we have fun watching you writhe on the floor in pain. So back off." Buffy shoved him against the wall for emphasis, and crossed her arms over her chest, waiting. "What's it gonna be, Spike?"  
  
"A door," Xander shouted, running down the hall the way they'd come. All eyes turned to the new arrival, before they ran to join Xander. He stood nervously in front of the door, not wanting to take away their last hope for freedom.  
  
Willow, unable to stand it any longer, reached out to open the door, and breathed a tremendous sigh of relief. It was a beautiful afternoon out today. She laughed in sheer delight, grinning at the others. "We're free. It goes outside."  
  
"Oh thank God," Xander sighed, casting an angry glance behind him at Spike. "After you, Spike, you're so anxious to be rid of us, feel free to be the first one out the door into that nice bright sunshine."  
  
Spike snarled at Xander, shoving him through the door. His snarl turned to laughter when Xander hit the doorframe and bounced back. "Moron."  
  
Xander scarcely paid him any attention. "We can't get out," he whispered, holding his hand against an invisible barrier in the doorway. "We can't get out," he said louder.  
  
They tried everything they could think of, but the barrier remained intact, while their patience and self-control went out the window... if there'd been a window. Spike tried to hit Xander, and ended up on the floor writhing in pain, as Buffy had warned him. Xander, feeling guilty for stranding them there, let Spike get close enough to hit him, then stayed collapsed on the floor. Willow stayed quiet, running through every spell she knew, and tried to think up new ones, but she had no way to implement them... she had no supplies. Buffy was yelling at Spike, as usual, treating him like the piece of crap she obviously thought he was.  
  
Finally, Willow had had enough. "Stop it," she yelled. "For God's sake, this isn't helping!" All arguments stopped, as did Xander's self-blaming mutterings. They stared at her, well, Xander and Buffy stared, Spike did more glaring than staring.  
  
"And what do you suggest?" Spike sneered, climbing to his feet with a groan. "We should sit idly by and wait for whoever, or whatever is keeping us here, to let us out? Huh? Should we simply go to our rooms, and wait?"  
  
"Yes," Buffy answered for Willow. "That's actually an excellent idea. We're too worked up right now to do ourselves any good... maybe if we spent some time alone, without all the yelling and fighting, we could come up with a way out of here."  
  
"It's possible," Willow agreed. "I can't get any thinking done as it stands. And I'm tired. I'm sure we all are... so why don't we go to bed, and see what happens? Maybe it'll let us out during the night?"  
  
"Yeah, right," Spike said sarcastically. "That'll happen." He shook his head and lit a cigarette. "Anything to get away from you all." He gave them all a false smile and a two-fingered wave. "Ta-ta." He disappeared inside the room he'd opened earlier, and slammed the door shut.  
  
The others shared a grim look, and disappeared inside their own rooms. Willow noted that her room was suited well to her tastes... what had Buffy said about the pizza earlier? "Made to order." Not only that, but there was a door between her room and the one next door. She sat on the bed with a gulp, considering switching rooms with Buffy or Xander, but decided against it. Spike was chipped. He couldn't hurt her. Right?  
  
  
A/N: End. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.  
  
  
Reviews would be cool. They let me know if I should do more, or not give up my day job. 


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